23 ноември, 2014

should know better, but i dont

Do you miss me while you are out there looking for yourself?

I've been avoiding my own thoughts for a while, but I guess I might as well set them free here and hope they don't run around in my head anymore than they already do. So, I've been thinking... Maybe part of me actually want you to screw up. That way I have yet another reason (not that I don't have enough) to never look back. Yes, I know. I always look back and you are my north and whatever. I am Fia and I can't for the life of me understand how you were supposed to be the right thing and you turned out to be so wrong. I am collateral damage of your relationship with her. He is collateral damage of my relationship with you. We are all dominos falling for each other. 
I don't want to be in this. I don't want to be involved, I don't want to be waiting for you to make a choice, but here I am waiting anyway. Well, not exactly, but still thinking about it. 
I thought I'd be free from it all. Now I not only feel like the world's biggest idiot for having the constant annoying thought of you in my head, but I also feel guilty for giving him a chance. I actually hoped for that chance. I wanted it to work. I wanted to not come back to this. I wanted to be free. I wanted the world. I still do. But there is this... 
It's like you know the morning after that you are going to regret something. But you also know that if you don't give it a try, you will be wondering for the rest of your life. I hate that part, so I usually go for it and then think about it. Of course, there are no regrets that I'd admit. Not until there is a final draw or whatever. I am this close to screwing everything up and destroying whatever soul I got left. I'm going to hell anyway. I deserved losing him. He didn't deserve me to hurt him, but I gave my best to prevent that from happening. Hopefully, I was a good lesson and he learns the way I obviously haven't. I am also this close to actually doing something about it and forcing things, but I don't want to play any part in your decision. 
And as bad as it may sound, there is this pathetic little voice inside of me that still hopes you come back, that you care, that you miss me and that you're not just lonely. Well, I never said I learned. Plus, I'm a sucker for lost causes and you are the perfect one. What's annoying is that I realise how bad my choice is. I know how bad it is that I forgave the second you showed up even before you apologised. I know it, but my stupid broken thingy still wants you for some unknown reason. I want the hard part, I want to trust you again and try, rather than the hardest - get over it. Because you are not like him. I don't have two weeks with you, I have two years and even more. I have too many memories, too many nights and days with you... I even counted them once and wrote it down. Pathetic, as usual. Anyway, I need sleep now, because I really want to read Mara tomorrow, while drinking my coffee. And less sleep deprivation leads to less thinking, so I will sleep while I can, because I have plans not to sleep next week. 

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