25 ноември, 2014

that was then, but then it's true

Proud? Definately not. Happy? I hope.
Well, there's been an interesting turn of events which got me confused. Hence, the quiet. I'm scared of how things will turn out, how it will feel, will it be worth it, or will it hurt ten times worse. I guess I tempted fate when I said I'll never get back to this. I always do that. It doesn't feel wrong. It feels like the start of something in a way, but I'm still not sure how it will turn out. I've been known for my bad choices, so meybe I have my answer. But I guess my lessons weren't enough, the pain was not enough and I need more. 
It's like I wanted this, but didn't. I feel like it's what I want, but for me personately it should be a step back. A relapse. It is a chance, because things are different now, but I'm even scared that I may fail things. There things you just know. It may not be the best way, or the right one, but you always have your choice. I've always been one to go for that choice and not wonder later what could have happened. It's happening.
There are still so many things to talk about, to clear out. We grew up and apart in many ways but somehow we made it back to each other one way or the other. I helped in my own way, but it was not my idea. Which makes me proud. Of course, in many ways I am not. Because I'm back where I started, but in the same time I am not. I've learned a lot in those two years and I may have changed, but it's for the better, I hope. Maybe this is a mistake. Hell, maybe I've gone completely insane for actually letting it happen. But I'm doing it anyway and hoping for the best, as always. He is my north. 

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