05 ноември, 2014

The irony of what-ifs

To much safety leads to mistakes. I should know. I am a poster teenage/adult for bad behaviours, wrong choices, making a mess out of life. Like mother like daughter. What led to all of this - safety. The one thing she will never understand, no matter how I try to explain. If she wasn't so devoted to keeping me safe and away for trouble, you'd never look for that trouble. If I had had what I wanted back then and all my 'never-happened' stories had actually happened, I'd have never wanted to live together and to create the mess I am now trying to get out of. Well, what's new around here. The things that never were shaped me and my choices.
My point is, don't ever tell people not to do this and that, unless you really want them to do it. Which is the whole core of my existence.
But let us not forget that what never happened also gave place to the things that did happen. And no matter how bad they turned out to be, I can't for the life of me regret them. I know myself all too well now and I realise that given the circumstances I'd still fight harder if I knew what would have happened. I am the girl that fights even when the odds are not in her favour. I am the girl that lives in the storm and hates the quiet, unless it's after midnight and I have a story that is begging me to write it. I am the girl who'd give anything to make him fit my world so that I could fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and not think for a second that I'll be both the best and the worst thing that ever happened to him. Well, let's face it now - I am.
I've been trying to work on my issues and forget about my fears, but it's not my fears that stand in the way. It's the need to have someone equally loud and wild. The need to ... Well, maybe I am right when I say that I need to lose him, so that I can appreciate him and what he has given me. Because the sane and wise part of me realises how good this is for me, but the wild side, which I am no longer hiding and trying to control, is telling me that I need someone with fire in his heart, the way I have. Now I understand why this place would have been scary for him. Here is where I say the things that I can't tell people. Also, it's the place where I tell myself how things are. But somehow giving him up would mean that there is no hope for me and my condemned soul. "What soul?" Teddy would say. I still hope I have one and hell, if I was able to learn to love all the other idiots of my past, why not the good guy that actually cares and tries to love me in spite all my craziness. It's what I wanted - to be loved for who I am. But maybe what I want and what I'm ready for are not the same things. Maybe I'm still learning to accept myself as a free and wild girl with fire in her heart and the courage to dance in the rain despite the storm. Maybe it will take me a while to get used to that freedom and not be afraid to lose it. Yes, there is so much fun in letting someone steal your sleep even if he is miles away from you, but maybe there is also fun to be on my own and let my true self find herself for real this time. 
Maybe, I'm too young to care, as the song goes. Well, no. I care. And I'm not too young for anything with my record. I'm not even too damaged. I'm just... Finally feeling free from all the mess of a life I've got and I'm afraid to not make yet another mess. Whatever it is, I am not even trying to figure it out. I am letting it settle for itself and I am enjoying my freedom for as long as I will have it. With my luck it sure won't last that long. 

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