21 ноември, 2014

waiting for nothing

Sleep deprivation is my new best friend, it appears. I couldn't care less about my classes, I'm way behind on all the things I have to do. My writing ideas can't live around my thoughts. All I got is Mara and her own insanity to keep me company, which I have to admit is pretty good in its own way. 
I am doing this thing again with the over-thinking. There is no point. I'm ... Stuck. Which turns into a theme of how my life goes. I never wanted to be the girl who can't get over a guy, but here we are, so I might as well join the world and write about it. I am waiting for nothing really, because if someone doesn't know if he wants you in his life, then he obviously doesn't. Or, optimistically speaking, he can't realise that he can't live without you. It takes time to realise that sometimes. But I was never that lucky. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss me, but the idea of someone like me who gets him completely and let's him walk all over my heart and feelings just because he can. Will I ever learn from that mistake and stand up for myself?!
Annie was right that I can't just sit and study. Hell, I can't even read the damn book without the thought of him interrupting me. I was over this. He wasn't supposed to show up. I know they always do, but I kept all the bad stuff so I can be immune to it. To him. And then he had
to say all those things and look at me with those damn green eyes... Nope, apparently, I never learn. He actually wanted me to call him when I'm a mess, so he can be here for me the way he wasn't back then. But I am doing myself a favour and drawing a big red line to stop me from doing so. I can't hear any alarms and there are no stop signs, so I will put them myself. I may not be functioning properly ever since that night, I may be sleep-deprived, I may be in need of sleep (and wanting to kick myself for the thought of someone holding me), but I will not cross my own line. I did that too many times already. It's time for you to cross lines for me and to want me. And since you most certainly don't, I might as well begin to learn again how to do things on my own and do my best to escape the thought of you that keep torturing me and the seemingly vague at first but then all too vivid memory of your lips on mine, of your touch... Yeah, off to bed now, stupid mind of mine!

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