01 декември, 2014

every me

I'm in chains, I realised. I've chained myself with choices, mistakes, thoughts, ideas, future that may not really belong to me. I am afraid now. Afraid to breathe, to dream, to do anything but stand here and pour my heart out. I still wish for days of waking up before 10 in the morning and dreamless nights. My world was whole then it just wasn't with me having no idea how it got that way. 
I am calm, my demons may be many but they are asleep now, poisoned by his delightful kisses. I sound like I'm on drugs, I know. But I am not. In fact, my thoughts are clearer, even if my future isn't. I have so many things to say and I'm afraid to say them. I feel like this can actually work. In the same time I'm scared to actually believe it. It's just so easy for my demons to wake up and begin to torture me again. But I am calm as I let him kiss the scars on my skin. Scars that he made himself and yet they seem to disappear under his gentle touch. I thought I had imagined him back them. That the person I fell in love with is long gone and that in fact, I'm somehow at least half to blame for it. But you can't really ruin a person, can you? I realise now that we are all broken one way or the other. We have our demons and fears, all of us. The thing is, there are people who wake up those demons and others who lay them to sleep. You did both. You locked them up, you unleashed them upon me and now you are teaching me to accept them and live with them and let them teach me, instead of fear them. 
No, I also don't believe in second chances. But I'm not calling it a second chance. To me, this can be a new thing now that I've grown and learned. I think all the experience, good and bad, has made me wiser, better, calmer. I still have fire within me, as always. But with you I can simply watch its soothing flames and not rush to make it bigger. I can burn with my words instead and write much better after all of this. Which is why I am willing to go through heaven and hell with you, if that's what you want me to. That's the question of the year, I guess - what do you want?
Hell, if I can't answer that question, knowing all the things I've learned, how can I ask you to do it? I know how you think and how you see things. I get it. And once upon a time I'd be pissed, desperate... Now I am calm. I don't expect the best, I don't stay awake at night wondering. I am taking it one step at a time, the way I told you we should and see where that gets us. If we were meant to be, it will be okay no matter what and that's it. So I won't be pouting my heart out every chance I get. I will sit back and wait for things to happen, if they will. I am okay and happy, is all. Which doesn't really last in my case and doesn't happen all that often, so I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

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