16 декември, 2014

then stay forever

If you're going to love me, love me deeply...
Of all the thing I love, him sleeping while I'm holding him and his hands are wrapped around me is the best possible feeling in the world. It's like the whole world can be falling apart, but I'd feel safe anyway. Not many people can give you that kind of feeling, I guess.
It's such a scary feeling to realise that one person still holds your whole world in his hands and can either make it or break it with one single movement. It's horrible, isn't it? When you realise that you can go through both heaven and hell and still want more of both. Well, he is my heaven and he is my hell, for better or for worse. And no one can ever change that. It's only been a month and my life is turned upside down yet again because of him. I sing happy songs, I draw, I smile and I feel whole without needing him to believe I am. I thought there would be regret, but there isn't. It's just that big possibility of things happening and the black hole of doubt lurking behind every corner.
It's just that... We tried going our separate ways thinking we no longer wanted each other and yet here we are again. And it's scary as hell, and sweet as heaven. Well, you said I love the complete opposites. For me, you are the biggest one. You can make me love you and hate you at the same time. You can take me to heaven or bring me down to hell. You are both the best and the worst thing that has happened to me so far. And in all honesty I loved every second of it. You know that. I miss the happiness and the misery. I miss the fights and the sleepless nights. What we can be together, we can't possibly with anyone else because we bring parts of one another that no one else would be able to handle.
I told you, didn't I? That if you decide to walk away, you should do it now, before the flames consume me. And you realised it too. That you need to lose everything and to find yourself. I did the same. I wouldn't have made a step towards you, if you hadn't. I would have wanted to. I would have written a message, dialled your number, but I would never have the courage. I still wonder where it came from, but I guess when you look at someone you just know. With you I always knew. Even when I didn't like it, I knew. And I guess when you're holding me so close I can't for the life of me even try to walk away. Well, I'm used to being out in the storm. 
If you're going to break my heart, then break it all.

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