18 януари, 2015

master of my fate

"The demons have moved from under my bed to the inner depths of my head."
Finally I am calm. The moon is gone and it's no longer pulling me to the shore. My waves are small, almost gone. Just a faint whisper of the storm that my usual self is. I love when inspiration hits me right before I have to study really hard. But I want to remember this.
Yesterday when I was at my weakest he was here. He insisted on being here even when I objected. And he held me, when I was scared, he talked to me, when I needed the distraction and at last I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heart while his fingers messed my hair and gently drew figures over my body. Wearing his T-shirt is also a bliss. I feel him close that way. I have an  anchor to keep me calm. I can and try and tell people how to calm me down when I needed but he's the one that knows without me saying a word. Which makes him special and I wanted to be able to remember that feeling of him holding me while I'm listening to his heart. It reminds me of the cold afternoon when I was going to his place and he met me on the way and he made me listen to his heart because he was so excited to see me. 
I'm in a black hole, right now in many ways. I am responsible for it, mainly. I really have the ability to self-destruct. That explains why I'm in love with Fia - my favorite fictional character so far. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter how I got here, but how I'm going to fix myself to proper functioning. And as much as I want to do it myself, sometimes I just need for someone else to believe in me the way I used to. Otherwise I kind of enjoy the insanity but that has its own limits. It feels good to finally have someone believing in you and taking care of you when you can't find a way to pick yourself off the floor. I used to be able to do it on my own, but it's not that easy anymore when I hardly find a reason for it. So just the idea that someone else is willing to stay on the floor with me until I'm ready to get up and will give me a hand and help is comforting. That's what I need. Not the actual help, but the idea that if I can't help myself, someone else will.
Every time things are bad I think how in a few months I will be laughing over that dark period while having fun and feeling better. I really hope it's that way this time because almost all of last year was a dark period. Which is why I find it hard to believe that things will ever get better and I expect the next bad thing to happen. It won't. And it's going to be fine. Just believe for me, because sometimes it's hard for me to do so. 

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