26 февруари, 2015

whiskey in a teacup

He's kissing my hand. He calls to play me a song on the piano or to sing me a song. And he will be gone for four months in fifteen days. I'm a big girl now. Well, yeah. I look small but that means nothing. It's really hard to place definitions when things are that messy. Yes, I know what you fear quite well by now. And I will keep telling you for as long as you need that if you choose to stay there and it's the best thing for you, I will be the first person to support you. Hell, if it's not the best thing for you I will still do that. There are no promises here. They are usually meant to be broken anyway. It may not be hard but you have your thing to do and I sure have mine. I think this is the reason I loved us so much before and why I love us so much more now. Everything else was just the fear of losing something important. But you can lose it anyway. Things happen. I'm not saying that it will be easy with you gone. It will suck not having to hear your voice when you're having a break at work or calling to tell me good night. It will suck not being able to watch TV shows and movies with you, cuddling and falling asleep in your arms. It will be the hardest thing yet...
But sometimes knowing someone is happy makes you happy too. You inspire me, you know. You amaze me with the way you can play a song for two hours and learn it and even add your own style to it. You go after the things you want and you make them work out for you one way or the other. I want that! I want to be brave as you are. I will be because I have you in my life. And I do believe you make me better in more ways than we both realize. I've said it before I think but this is it for me, you are it for me. There may be many other people out there that I can connect with but it will never be as strong as my connection to you is. Because we can say two words to each other and know what the other is thinking or feeling. Because we sometimes say even more without even saying a word.

I don't need a lot to be happy. Just you to hold. 

24 февруари, 2015

the fire within

I'm tired as hell and should be sleeping already because I must get up in almost 7 hours, but it's been such a great and exciting day that I need to note it somewhere. I spent eight full hours in the university and had fun in each class which hasn't happened in a long time ago. The lecture was very interesting, the seminars were surprisingly good and entertaining and for homework we have to read literature and watch movies so how can i complain. 
On top of that he tried to surprise me earlier but we missed each other for some few minutes. Still he did surprise me with a present - a candle that smells like my summer sunscreen when we were in the seaside, happy and in love. He even did that cheesy thing with his cute voice. We also created the event for their concert and he was my rocking chair for a while. I'm drowning in happiness. He got so excited about playing me this intro for the concert and also he has enough pictures and videos for the event but he said he will pretend not to, so I can go on a rehearsal with them and take pictures and make videos. He even got excited about it. 
I hate that time is running out so fast just when things are that great. I have so many little things planned for us. Some movies to watch, cooking him pizza, celebrating his name day or just cuddling in the afternoon. I want to be a time thief again and steal some more or draw another clock. Well no, not a clock but I do have some ideas for when the right time comes. For now I will simply enjoy the way he comes to help me clean up the dishes and gives me a kiss on the forehead because I made us dinner. I'm collecting happy moments and secretly planning on travelling the world myself. There is nothing like love, inspiration and happiness to give you strength I guess. And I got all three from just one person. Lucky me. 

23 февруари, 2015

cloud nine

Except you, вече ми се иска да съм заминал. 
I can't for the life of me find a single reason why I pushed us to be a married 40-year-old couple who watch TV, have dinner and basically have nothing else in their life. All our moments were planned somehow and got ruined before they even happened. 
Okay, yes. I am scared. Because I know how things were at the beginning and how they ended up. I know how screwed up I got because of it. I don't even want to say how much it screwed you up as well. We thought being apart is the best thing we could have but it ended up being the worst. So I'm scared now, because you're in this time of your life when you want to go see the world on your own and you might meet someone who will amaze you like I did before. On the other hand you might finally get rid of your ghosts and come back a better man for it. There are a lot of ifs and I hate those for obvious reasons.  
I figured something interesting today. Life will never get easier. The scariest is yet to come. And if my only choice is to fight back and stay strong if not for me, than for those I love, then I'm damn well gonna stay strong and face everything that is coming my way. As always. 
We are being so different again. You're looking for yourself on the outside and I'm trying myself on the inside. You're going somewhere to find what you've left behind. And I'm standing here trying to get my old self back. She was fierce and never afraid. She couldn't care less what was going to happen and she went after what she wanted without thinking much. Well, there are benefits to that, I admit. In fact, I guess I want to learn to be reckless but to have my own limitations and know when not to cross them. A balancing act. I can feel that I'm getting there. I'm accepting the idea that I don't know what's going to happen and it may be good or bad, but I won't know until it's here and there is no point worrying about it as much. I will handle it when I have to and I always have people to lean on when things are hard. 
I'm so good now at finding the right time to push you a little and enter your personal space without you being against it. I've learned to come when you need me and to go, when you need yourself more. I never thought it was possible to know someone that much, but with you I do. And yet I can't for the life of me figure out what's going to happen. Because there are too many possibilities out there. Sometimes I think I should pull back and start trying to fix myself because you're leaving but then I remember that you're not leaving me. You're just going somewhere for a while to explore the world. It's like Grace and the wolf from the book. She has faith that everything will be okay but the wolf is making her have those scary thoughts and doubt everyone and everything. 

17 февруари, 2015

everything is alright with you here

It's adorable how you would wait for me to start reading my book so you can look at me in peace and come up with a good way to distract me. Then you'd tell me all about your day in that really excited way that I love so much. I love lying in your lap and reading a book while you're busy with paperwork. And then, when I get sleepy and cuddle beside you you'd keep doing your thing but your hand would gently caress me. 
I love falling asleep in your arms while watching something. Because when it's over you start kissing me gently and talking in a low cute voice. And how I'd distract you while you're busy and you'll start telling me to stop and then you'd realize I'm giving you chocolate and immediately change your tone. I love it when you're jealous that I will be going out. I love how you tell me everything without me having to ask. I love when you've had a really long day and you're barely awake but you come anyway in the cold night for those fifteen minutes when you'll tell me about your day and I'll tell you about mine and everything will be right in the world somehow. 

14 февруари, 2015

без начало, без край

Спонтанността омайва. Желанието ти да вървим по слънцето, да ме държиш за ръка и да ме караш да се усмихвам ме обезоръжава напълно. Така вече празнуваният ни няколко дни празник се случва отново и решаваме да закачим свой катинар на огромното сърце, защото магията при нас винаги я има. И да запазим ключовете за когато му дойде времето на миналото да си остане където му е мястото. 
Любовта никога не е една й съща. Преди това ме тормозеше и ме караше да сравнявам. Сега осъзнавам, че колкото по-различна, толкова по-истинска и прекрасна е. Нашата не е кротка и тиха. Не следва никакви принципи и правила. Чертае си собствен път и ни отдалечава, но докато продължава да ни събира, всичко е наред. Винаги съм знаела, че обикновеното не ми отива. Да, хубаво е, но не е за мен и ми омръзва твърде бързо. Странно е да се влюбваш отново в същия човек. И някак плашещо да знаеш, че някой може да има толкова много влияние над теб. Да успее да те отблъсне от себе си, карайки те да мислиш, че никога повече не би могъл да го приемеш в живота си. И после да успее да се завърне с целия си блясък. 
Любовта е винаги различна. Моята сега мълчи и внимава. Твоята е като огън в камината. Можеш спокойно да се стопля, но този път без да се опаря. Обичам, когато сме различни. Правим нещата по нашите си правила. Луди сме за връзване. Не винаги внимаваме и вършим глупости. Млади сме, ще ни се прости. Дано най-сетне се уплашат проклетите призраци и да замълчат. До тогава не ми е нужна дефиниция. Всеки знае какво е другият за него. Романтиката и лудостта си граничат доста често. И спонтанно решаваме какво следва. Няма нужда от планове. Не ми трябват и обещания. Засега е достатъчно да те има. Достатъчно е, че ме има. 

here's to you

I was a hero these days and I feel so proud of myself. I managed to get on a bus and travel for more than three hours. I still can't believe I survived that all things considered. It's good to be home and to be planning the most relaxing and probably boring summer of my life. I need clarity and peace before I can be wild and crazy again. Well, the normal crazy. 
Of course you have bad news. For every time I've been a hero something bad would happen. But I can't possibly care to be sad about it anymore. I'm excited, actually. I'm so happy that you will finally get to live the dream that I don't care if it's going to happen earlier and I will have fifteen days less with you and fifteen more without you. I find it comforting that you even called to tell me the bad news and didn't just write them. I'm liking the person you're becoming and if I had anything to do with it, I'm glad. I don't need to go see half the world to realize that people are what matters. But you do. And I'd be crazy to stand in your way, because I want what's best for you. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not leaving me behind. You're going on your own adventure and you being gone will make me sad but I'm happy for you. It's your dream and if it was mine I'd do the same thing. Plus, if it's mean to be, it will be. 
It sure feels good to wake up after a weird dream, not remember it and start singing one of your favorite songs because it's kind of stuck on your mind for no apparent reason. And to fix your sleeping regime without having to be up all night or get up extremely early. I'm starting to realize that everything will eventually be alright, no matter how scary it may seem at times. And we will be okay as well. Life's too short to spend it in misery.

12 февруари, 2015

разни романтики

Laziness seems to be my first nature these days. Failing an exam can really kill my enthusiasm to study at all. Well, or at least to study all day. Few hours are enough. And tomorrow I will try and learn most of it.
We did celebrate Valentine's Day a bit earlier with pizza and the final of X factor. I love how he waits for me to turn my attention to the TV, so he can kiss me and look at me without me noticing as much. And how he was standing, so the TV won't lose the channel. How can I not want to dance on that song, you silly?
Just for the record, it's my damn life. No one gets to judge me. I've been in hell and back enough times and I will do whatever feels right. I can spend my life drawing lines and saying I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't do that, but I'd rather regret doing things than not doing them, so here we are.
It's slowly getting better. The war is far from over but I was born to survive and fight, so I'm still doing so and being a hero. Tomorrow is just another fight. Or two, if I decide to travel back home. I'll have to eventually, so it might as well be tomorrow, right?! I can't put my whole life on a hold-up and wait for another panic attack to strike. Especially since they can appear even out of the blue with no apparent reason. 
Обичам да ми звъни, когато вече му се е доспало и да ми мърка, а вместо чао да ми каже мяу. Колекционирам си щастие в малки дози и си се пристрастявам както винаги. И утре ще бъда герой, надявам се. Странно е. През последните шест месеца ми се налагаше да бъда герой по цял ден, а не го осъзнавах. Когато го осъзнаваш и е избор става по-сложно. Но пък искам да бъда герой. Искам да не стоя тихо и кротко, искам да бъда навън. Искам света! 
Weird thing is, now that I know I can decide whether or not to be a hero I can find excuses for everything because I'm scared of everything. But I don't want to be. I just need to lower the pressure and to remember that I'm choosing to be a hero and that it's my choice. Well, it isn't really. If I'm not a hero, I'll never get out of bed. And I got too many things I want to do. Plus, I'm not a quitter. I'm a survivor and I was born to do it. 

09 февруари, 2015

counting stars

-тук сме само аз и ти. само ние двамата. всичо ще бъде наред.
It sure as hell sucks when my mind decides to ruin a perfectly good night and turn it into my worst nightmare for no apparent reason. I guess the fun of it will never end. Still, it's good to know that someone is there holding me when I'm shaking and I can't seem to catch my breath. I keep being a hero, but sometimes my best is not enough and then I need help for some ten minutes till I can be a hero again. If only I could actually sit down and write it all down in those exact moments, it would have been awesome. I tried, but it was too scary and I couldn't concentrate well enough. The fun of having panic attacks out of the blue!
Не, че искам, но някак си в ума ми се въртят притежателни местоимения. Дори след най-дългата вечер следва нов ден, чието утро проспивам. Сесията почти приключи и все пак имам нужда да бъда далеч от университета и да не ми се налага да го посещавам поне за две седмици. 
Things may not always be good now, but they are amazing in comparison to how they were three months ago when I could barely tell what day it was and my days were full of caffeine and nicotine. And it's not just him. He sure is a big part of me being calm and happier despite everything we've been through, but I feel better for me, mostly. I survived. And I may forget it sometimes but I can survive any panic attack. It's not easy, but I can do it. I'm slowly getting better at all of this and learning to not be afraid. I am my worst enemy after all, so I might as well fight and win this one. 
So I'm analyzing the bad times for the sake of clarity and drowning in the awesome memories, remembering them all too well way too often so they can remain as vivid and real as possible in my messed up head. Happiness suits me just fine and it's suck a relief to be calm and peaceful that I just enjoy sitting in my bed and watching the lights around it shine. 
I'm not putting words in your mouth. They are already there. I can see it in the way your eyes shine and an instant goofy smile appears on your face when you see me. I know there are ghosts torturing you still but you are strong enough to chase them away. It only takes time and we have it. And only after you asked did I realize that I actually enjoy this undefined us way too much. I don't want complicated relationship, promises that we may not keep and wondering if I should drink another coffee, light a cigarette or simply drown in alcohol. I don't care what other people think. They're not me and they weren't drowning in their sleep over this, so it it feels right, I'm in. And for now it feels as right as it can ever be, so I'm chasing my ghosts and letting it be. I know... When you truly feel free and then you have to tell me things, you will. It may take a while, but when it happens, I won't have to put words in your mouth. I'd be kissing you instead. 
And yes, you love me too. You just have too many issues to let it all out. 
-оставям те. трябва да измисля друга дума, че това звучи все едно те оставям завинаги.

08 февруари, 2015

say it ain't so

Why sleep, when you can be out there being a hero?! Well, I was. Three nights in a row I've been falling asleep around 4 or 5 in the morning. The first night it was because I went out and then stayed chatting with friends. The second I had exam and was worried. The third I was supposed to go to bed early after I watch some lame movie with him but he called and offered going out instead and I figured I might as well try being a hero yet again. I was.
Of course, the first ten minutes are always scary and take up most of my bravery but it's good that he is there. He's asking me how to help and to make me feel better. It's my fight but he wants to fight it with me. Then other people are coming and I'm hugging and kissing him and it's all fine. We talk about songs and singing and he wants to sing a surprise song for me. One where his voice comes loud and clear without the music messing it up. Then the song starts and I realize it's not just the singing. The song is special for him in its own way. He usually sings with his eyes closed, but now he's looking at me, letting the lyrics speak for him. There's magic in all of this, you know...
Then it's another surprise. Next thing I know is he's calling me on the stage to sing with him that one song we used to sing when he was working as a DJ. He keeps telling me I'm awesome, cute, beautiful and his eyes, green as they can possibly, are shining as he watches me smile. Before I know it the night is over. He's keeping an eye on me even when I'm not around. Then he's holding my jacket for me and helping me get dressed. We go home laughing at it all and when I joke about the star he gave me, he says it's all coming to him in the moment. It's spontaneous and he feels like he should do more. If only he knew that when you don't plan and think about it, then it's as real as it can possibly be. 
And there was this moment earlier where after a song he'd come and I'd be hugging him and being as happy as I can be.
-Ой, тя ме обичала. 
-Не никога. Изобщо не те обичала.
-Обичала ме.
Нямаш право да знаеш, че й да го заявяваш толкова щастливо. Oh well, it's no news, I guess. 

05 февруари, 2015

where the fun, it got no end

Прекрасно е да се събудиш от телефонен звън, който мислиш за аларма. Още по-прекрасно е да ти кажат да си стоиш в леглото, за да те разсънят с много целувки и прегръдки. Прекрасно е да направиш кафе за двама и най-сетне леглото да не е твърде голямо, защото има с кого да го споделиш. Прекрасно е да ти свалят звезди, макар да са сини с усмивка и залепени за стената.
And yet again fate proves that I can't be living in my imaginary world as much as I want to, so I failed one of my exams. That is, of course, the one exam I thought I couldn't possibly fail. And it sucks, because I've never really failed an exam until now. I kind of have no desire to go have another exam tomorrow or three more in the days to come. I could really use a break from university. All I want to do is watch TV shows and spend time with him until I can. 
Yes, I know I can do this without him telling me I can. But I like it very much when he tells me so. I'll be a hero again tomorrow. Come to think of it, I'm always trying to be a hero one way or another. If only I had a superpower. Anyway, time to use his pen now and write in my new diary. I love it when he forgets things here. I also love it when he is around. There's just that something in the way he looks at me. Well, yeah. I might be reading too much into it. Going out last night and staying up until the morning really wasn't such a good idea. I'd say wish me luck, but the odds are never in my favor, so I'll just be a hero and do my best as always. And if that's not enough, I guess I'll try harder. Because I was born to survive and to be a hero and one failed exam sure as hell won't bring me down now that I'm finally starting to feel happy again and to enjoy life as it is. Things are finally getting back to normal. Well, my kind of normal. And I'm happy and I love it. And I will keep being happy no matter what. Because it's my damn life and I deserve it.

02 февруари, 2015

beautiful dangerous

I can't imagine a better ending for January and a better beginning for February than being at a party on the balcony with him sharing a cigarette and having one of those deep conversations where we can talk about everything and tell each other anything. As far as soul mates go, you are it for me. You know that. And I am for you. It doesn't require some major commitment or anything. It's simply a fact. 
A girl as tall as me and wearing blue is calling my name and tells me they told her to come meet me. I love how your friends find me that special that they tell other people about me and that we'll sure like each other. I love talking to your friends and how they also do their best to include me, even when you talk about university stuff or something I have no idea about. And this slight playing that we had going with the birthday boy who hates his birthdays was so fun. I wish I could record every memory and then play it years later. I wish moments could be repeated but I guess they wouldn't be so special if that was possible. 
Who needs stars when the city is full of lights on the first night of February when it's raining but in my heart is warm because we used to be in the same room and miles apart and now we might be miles apart at times but it feels closer than ever. Not sure I said so in person, but thanks for trying to give me some fun perspective on my new issues. Also, for holding me tight and telling me I can hug you as hard as I need until I feel better. Just for being there for me not just physically, you know. 
I read this quote that a real woman can handle everything all by herself but a real man would never let her. I guess we are slowly turning into those grown-up versions of ourselves where we can talk about anything and everything, we can let all ghosts in the past and we can be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. 
We've had so many little conversations that night that at some point I was standing in front of you, looking at you and just feeling so happy that I have you back in my life. Yes, it took so much everything we've been through but you are the old you I will always love and adore. And every time you tell me what you thought I'd say or how I'd react to something I realize that I've changed so much. It's a good thing.
I had forgotten how good it felt a phone call to wake you up. And to have you check on me every now and then. Tricking me into giving you the bag because you thought it was too heavy. Did you really think I'd go inside without kissing and hugging you for a while before that? Never! I love us and our casual plans. I love knowing that if I don't call you will just because you're thinking of me. 
We even danced for a while without realizing it, while we were hugging. And the slow version of "It's my life" in the background and you finding me just to tell me to listen and enjoy it. Not just this one, but Taylor, Nickelback, "Cult of personality". You hear a song you know will make me happy and you tell me it's on. And I love how our taste in music isn't exactly the same but there are songs that we both love so much that we just start singing the lyrics. And yes, I like every song as long as you sing it to me.