12 февруари, 2015

разни романтики

Laziness seems to be my first nature these days. Failing an exam can really kill my enthusiasm to study at all. Well, or at least to study all day. Few hours are enough. And tomorrow I will try and learn most of it.
We did celebrate Valentine's Day a bit earlier with pizza and the final of X factor. I love how he waits for me to turn my attention to the TV, so he can kiss me and look at me without me noticing as much. And how he was standing, so the TV won't lose the channel. How can I not want to dance on that song, you silly?
Just for the record, it's my damn life. No one gets to judge me. I've been in hell and back enough times and I will do whatever feels right. I can spend my life drawing lines and saying I shouldn't do this and I shouldn't do that, but I'd rather regret doing things than not doing them, so here we are.
It's slowly getting better. The war is far from over but I was born to survive and fight, so I'm still doing so and being a hero. Tomorrow is just another fight. Or two, if I decide to travel back home. I'll have to eventually, so it might as well be tomorrow, right?! I can't put my whole life on a hold-up and wait for another panic attack to strike. Especially since they can appear even out of the blue with no apparent reason. 
Обичам да ми звъни, когато вече му се е доспало и да ми мърка, а вместо чао да ми каже мяу. Колекционирам си щастие в малки дози и си се пристрастявам както винаги. И утре ще бъда герой, надявам се. Странно е. През последните шест месеца ми се налагаше да бъда герой по цял ден, а не го осъзнавах. Когато го осъзнаваш и е избор става по-сложно. Но пък искам да бъда герой. Искам да не стоя тихо и кротко, искам да бъда навън. Искам света! 
Weird thing is, now that I know I can decide whether or not to be a hero I can find excuses for everything because I'm scared of everything. But I don't want to be. I just need to lower the pressure and to remember that I'm choosing to be a hero and that it's my choice. Well, it isn't really. If I'm not a hero, I'll never get out of bed. And I got too many things I want to do. Plus, I'm not a quitter. I'm a survivor and I was born to do it. 

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