23 февруари, 2015

cloud nine

Except you, вече ми се иска да съм заминал. 
I can't for the life of me find a single reason why I pushed us to be a married 40-year-old couple who watch TV, have dinner and basically have nothing else in their life. All our moments were planned somehow and got ruined before they even happened. 
Okay, yes. I am scared. Because I know how things were at the beginning and how they ended up. I know how screwed up I got because of it. I don't even want to say how much it screwed you up as well. We thought being apart is the best thing we could have but it ended up being the worst. So I'm scared now, because you're in this time of your life when you want to go see the world on your own and you might meet someone who will amaze you like I did before. On the other hand you might finally get rid of your ghosts and come back a better man for it. There are a lot of ifs and I hate those for obvious reasons.  
I figured something interesting today. Life will never get easier. The scariest is yet to come. And if my only choice is to fight back and stay strong if not for me, than for those I love, then I'm damn well gonna stay strong and face everything that is coming my way. As always. 
We are being so different again. You're looking for yourself on the outside and I'm trying myself on the inside. You're going somewhere to find what you've left behind. And I'm standing here trying to get my old self back. She was fierce and never afraid. She couldn't care less what was going to happen and she went after what she wanted without thinking much. Well, there are benefits to that, I admit. In fact, I guess I want to learn to be reckless but to have my own limitations and know when not to cross them. A balancing act. I can feel that I'm getting there. I'm accepting the idea that I don't know what's going to happen and it may be good or bad, but I won't know until it's here and there is no point worrying about it as much. I will handle it when I have to and I always have people to lean on when things are hard. 
I'm so good now at finding the right time to push you a little and enter your personal space without you being against it. I've learned to come when you need me and to go, when you need yourself more. I never thought it was possible to know someone that much, but with you I do. And yet I can't for the life of me figure out what's going to happen. Because there are too many possibilities out there. Sometimes I think I should pull back and start trying to fix myself because you're leaving but then I remember that you're not leaving me. You're just going somewhere for a while to explore the world. It's like Grace and the wolf from the book. She has faith that everything will be okay but the wolf is making her have those scary thoughts and doubt everyone and everything. 

Няма коментари: