09 февруари, 2015

counting stars

-тук сме само аз и ти. само ние двамата. всичо ще бъде наред.
It sure as hell sucks when my mind decides to ruin a perfectly good night and turn it into my worst nightmare for no apparent reason. I guess the fun of it will never end. Still, it's good to know that someone is there holding me when I'm shaking and I can't seem to catch my breath. I keep being a hero, but sometimes my best is not enough and then I need help for some ten minutes till I can be a hero again. If only I could actually sit down and write it all down in those exact moments, it would have been awesome. I tried, but it was too scary and I couldn't concentrate well enough. The fun of having panic attacks out of the blue!
Не, че искам, но някак си в ума ми се въртят притежателни местоимения. Дори след най-дългата вечер следва нов ден, чието утро проспивам. Сесията почти приключи и все пак имам нужда да бъда далеч от университета и да не ми се налага да го посещавам поне за две седмици. 
Things may not always be good now, but they are amazing in comparison to how they were three months ago when I could barely tell what day it was and my days were full of caffeine and nicotine. And it's not just him. He sure is a big part of me being calm and happier despite everything we've been through, but I feel better for me, mostly. I survived. And I may forget it sometimes but I can survive any panic attack. It's not easy, but I can do it. I'm slowly getting better at all of this and learning to not be afraid. I am my worst enemy after all, so I might as well fight and win this one. 
So I'm analyzing the bad times for the sake of clarity and drowning in the awesome memories, remembering them all too well way too often so they can remain as vivid and real as possible in my messed up head. Happiness suits me just fine and it's suck a relief to be calm and peaceful that I just enjoy sitting in my bed and watching the lights around it shine. 
I'm not putting words in your mouth. They are already there. I can see it in the way your eyes shine and an instant goofy smile appears on your face when you see me. I know there are ghosts torturing you still but you are strong enough to chase them away. It only takes time and we have it. And only after you asked did I realize that I actually enjoy this undefined us way too much. I don't want complicated relationship, promises that we may not keep and wondering if I should drink another coffee, light a cigarette or simply drown in alcohol. I don't care what other people think. They're not me and they weren't drowning in their sleep over this, so it it feels right, I'm in. And for now it feels as right as it can ever be, so I'm chasing my ghosts and letting it be. I know... When you truly feel free and then you have to tell me things, you will. It may take a while, but when it happens, I won't have to put words in your mouth. I'd be kissing you instead. 
And yes, you love me too. You just have too many issues to let it all out. 
-оставям те. трябва да измисля друга дума, че това звучи все едно те оставям завинаги.

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