26 март, 2015

lights out

You can't even imagine how fucked up my head is most of the time. I guess I'm good at pretending. Because what's inside is scary and damaged, dark and twisty. It won't allow dreams to live for long. It enjoys torturing them, so they no longer come. My mind is a dark place with dark thoughts. Usually this place is that way as well, but I've decided to make it a happy place. Maybe it should be both happy and dark, so it can fit me better.
Yes, love. I want things. I want them with you. I can have them and without you, but with you it will be better. But those thoughts and desires come with their own set of nightmares to deal with because some ghosts will never leave me alone and I guess I also have you to thank for that. So now I don't dream big. You're the dreamer. I am fine just sitting here and placing one foot in front of the other. Otherwise I'd like my dreams and ideas so much that they will finish me in time like they almost did before. 
No, I don't like that. I want to be reckless and to dream big. But I'm scared so much that it leaves me out of breath sometimes. Too much has been taken away. Too much has happened. But you're not allowed to know that. Which is also why what I'm doing is pointless but it's easier to have you around than not to. It sucks. All of it. You see it as a mistake. I see it as something that could have been an epic future. But you've never been someone's second choice. Otherwise you'd know. It means I never had a chance. It was never going to be an epic future. Not in this life, not in any other. 
Almost is really a big word for me. Almost on time. Almost happy. Almost home. Almost with you. Almost alone. Almost the love of your life. Almost but not quite. 
It means I failed before I even tried. There's nothing worse in this world than thinking you had a chance when you actually never had. 

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