14 март, 2015


And now employ the remnant of my wit
To make myself believe that all is well,
While with a feeling skill I paint my hell.

I wasn't a hero the day before. I wanted to be, but I couldn't. Time was running out. It still is. So yesterday, instead of doing things I was in bed all day. I so badly need time to just stop. I hope that if I stop doing things and pretend it's not passing by, it will actually stop but it doesn't.
Also I realize that I could collect all the happy memories in the world and they would still feel like a glass of water compared to the ocean I feel within me when you're around. Like a candle and a fire.
Today I was a hero. I didn't cry as I was saying goodbye. I smiled and kissed him hard. I still remember his lips on mine from the other night. I remember him singing "In waves" as I am telling him how my day was all in waves of panic and calmness. It will surely hit me again soon, the realization that he is some thousand miles away. It will be when I'm not home in my safe place but when I am outside trying to be a hero. I'm quite used to not being able to breath every now and then. 
So the plan is ready. I just wish I was brave enough to do it but when the time comes and if I decide so, I will follow it. 
In the mean time I will do my research and face my issues. I've been doing it passively by not running away or staying home, but I think something more should be done and I will find it. I will not be my own worst enemy and I will let nothing stop me from doing what I want. Yes, the week was hell, but it's almost over and I plan on being busy tomorrow, so I won't have time to worry as usual. Well, that's the spirit, I guess. 

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