12 април, 2015

as if I would need any of that

Question of the year - how did I get from there to here? Since I'm home and I said I'd use this as a therapy, I thought I'd look into my many memory boxes and see what I might find there. There were wish books, drama, tears, gossip, love letters and what not. Now things are ten times worse and I'm ten times more broken and damaged. I'd seriously go back to the past if I could. I'd fight harder for some and give up easily on others. I read Lzzy's letter to her younger self and I've been meaning to write one too but I'm still the same idiot with no idea how my life's going to turn out and if I will even make it to the distant future without going completely insane. All the optimism, right?!
Well, I've realized two things from my trip down memory lane - I the most awesome idiot on the planet. I've had my fair share of stupidity, but also moments of  awesomeness. And I've alwats cared too much about people. I've always needed them more than they needed me. For me having that one special someone means I can have the world, but without that special someone the world means nothing. Yes, I know. That's everything wrong with this world, and with me mostly. 
I remember a time when I wanted to first have a career and then family. Somewhere down the line that changed. I mean, I want it all and I want it now. I am made of contradictions. I want to be alone, but I want to belong to someone and for someone to belong to me. I wand to be independent, but I want to have someone to lean on. Maybe that's what's wrong with me and only a bunch of cats can be happy around me. I've had enough drama and disappointments to last a lifetime. I make the same mistakes and I never learn. I keep wanting what I can't possibly have. And all the reasons why I can't have it are so stupid that it's like I'm Karma's favourite joke. I'm everything he wants, but he can't feel it. We would have been perfect if he didn't live halfway across the country. He doesn't mind having me around but has some other plans for his future. He doesn't even know me, but things I can be the last woman in his life. He'd have given me the world if only I wasn't too friendzoned. That other story could have been epic if I wasn't so completely wrong about him. 
Notice the 'ifs'. Things could have been so much better, so different. If things were okay here, he wouldn't have to go halfway across the world. If she hadn't broken him so completely, he would have been my everything. If I hadn't been so scared I would have said something. But I didn't, she didn't and he didn't. Sometimes I wonder if I'm made up of all the mistakes I've made, or all the things I should have had, but didn't. Other times I don't want to be defined by what I've lost and I come up with my own definitions. Truth is, I can barely recognise myself, I hardly know what I'm going to do in the next few months or how things are going to turn out, but no scenario predicts a happy ending for me. So mostly, I'm trying to give up the things I so desperately want before they get taken away. I am a footnote in my own story. And just a random name in theirs. Nobody would write a book about me. No one cares about the third person in a relationship. And here I thought I could be the one. That has never been my story and it never will be, because by the time I get there, I won't be a princess, I won't be a hero, I will be a shadow, a ghost, a memory of who I was supposed to be. Sad, huh? Well, who cares anyway...

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