01 април, 2015

hello april

The first fourth of the year is gone. Time really flies sometimes, huh. The other day I was just about to get into SU and next year I have a state's exam to prep for. The other day I was an animator playing all day with the kids and now I can barely go out thanks to all the homework I have. I miss that time, you know?
Last night we went to see a friend in a historical play in the theater and I was so happy to see him living his dream and knowing when he got inspired to follow exactly that dream. I'm so proud of him. He really is great and I can't wait to see him again on stage.
I guess my dream limit ended somewhere back in time. Or more like my desire to follow one. I'm sitting here, exactly as I did three years ago. Only now my future is not as certain as it was back then. I was careless, I took it all for granted. And the book thing disappointed me, so I kind of quit doing what I loved most. Then I tried again, but other things happened. I guess somewhere down the line the not so important things replaced the most important. Sometimes I wonder what would have been if I did things differently. If one thing I said, or one thing I did made it all so bad. It can't be, because it takes two usually, or three in my case, sort of.
I had a future back then. I knew exactly what I wanted and I wasn't going to settle for anything less. Now I agree with anything and avoid the fight. Yes, I'm a hero everyday for making it out of my room, but still. I want the world. I want him and the writing. It will be a pretty damn awesome world if I can have them for at least one lifetime. More, if I get a say in it all. It's a bit of a wishful thinking, considering all my experience with wanting things and not having them the way I want to.
My point is, I will dream big again. If I can be a hero any day of the week, I can sure as hell fight for all the things that I want. I'm not blaming my insanity on anyone, but they took enough from me in many ways. And they'd give anything to see me fall and lose it all again. Some made sure I do. So no one but me has a say anymore in what happens to me. It's my damn life and it's my damn choice. Even if the world keeps ending a little bit every single day, I'd still want it all. And I'd be damned before I let anyone mess with my world ever again. 
It's good to have a definition of the world again. It makes it real. Yes, things fell apart in both cases and people let me down. But I have all the chances on the world, because if I give up on those two things, I basically give up on myself. And I won't do that again. I'm not that kind of person. I fight, I swim and I rise from the ashes with fire in my veins. At least I hope I can be half as brave as I am right now. Being brave is half the battle after all. 

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