04 април, 2015

It wouldn't be love if it didn't

I guess I won another little battle today. A sleepless night leads to figuring out a few scenes from a book and getting the chance to be half awake thinking and half asleep actually living in the story. In a way my inspiration is trying really hard to get back to me. 
I keep hearing those epic speeches about how people imagine their life and the person they wanted to be. I realize I'm the only one that stands in my way. I've been letting things happen for so long that I sort of did that with my writing as well. But I have plenty of time to change that. 
Who knew even basic acting could be so much fun? We have this class were we reenact old English plays the way they were supposed to be - performed, not read. It's inspiring my director's skills or the lack of any, actually. Well, I did write some scripts back then with a friend. And half of my writing comes from directing scenes and actions. 
It's really helpful to have people believe in you. And also, to see one of them, who is really special, to be living his dream. It makes me want to live mine too and to have faith in the future the way I did before. Only back then I thought my present would last forever. Then things changed, leading us to today. Where things are different and the same in a way. Only now I am not certain about anything. So I'm scared because I liked my future the way it was supposed to be. I hate how different it seems now. Sometimes I think what led us here, what caused all that happened. But I guess it wasn't one big thing, but many little ones. I guess I need to stop thinking about the future and focus on the present if I am to have the future I dream of someday far from now. 
It's so weird to be afraid of what may come. I wasn't scared before but after losing my eternity all I can possibly be is scared. I've become a spectator in my own life. That s about to end any day now, I hope. The world belongs to be.
And hopefully one day you will be making me coffee while I'm writing in my blog about the way your eyes change their color when the rays of the sun touch them. It's the future I want, you know. And the one I deserve. But it might not be the future I get. Who knows, right?!

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