30 април, 2015

mental note

Защото ми чупиш света когато най-малко го очаквам. И правиш планове, в които ме има. Но това не ми е бъдещето. Поне вече не е. Или може би никога не е било. Все пак най-добре лъжа себе си... Това не значи нищо, минало ми е, само си играем. 
I'm the high light of your day. But not by choice. I'm in your plans because someone else can't be. That's the echo I hear in your words. But you can't see that. It's too dark for you around me most of the time. You're the dreamer, I am the ashes of one. You shouldn't be telling me things like that. It is a bit too easy for me to like your ideas of our future and that future can't be real. Not until you make up your mind and you erase all the ghosts once and for all. And we both know you don't want to do that. You still like all your past ideas like I like mine. 
Because if I let this idea run around in my mind without stopping it, I'll start thinking that you're yet again falling in love with me. But we've done that. I went too far back already with everything. I'm not even where I started. I can't keep going back and thinking things will change. I need to move forward, even if it's so slow it barely counts as a movement. And I can't believe what I want to be true anymore. 
Yes, it would have been great, all of it. But soon you will have another idea. And I can't blame you for it, because it's one of the things I love about you. 
I won't say this. Not to you anyway because it means too much. But please don't make plans for us, especially if you're still not sure if you want there to be an "us". Or even if you do, don't tell me your plans. It sounds like you're falling in love with me all over again. But that's not the case. That is not my story, not anymore and I can't bare to have to live through its end again. You will soon prove me right for all the ghosts and all the nightmares. And I can't fight that. I can't survive another plane crash, as Owen says, and we have always been one. Or more you and her had been one and I'm the collateral damage. Too much thinking, I know. I just... Because of conversations like the one we had tonight and what you said afterwards I'm having a hard time accepting the reality where you and I just happened to need someone and no one else was around. And really, there was nothing more to it. The rest I made up like I always do. 

Няма коментари: