28 април, 2015

so much more aware

"Ти и глупавата ти мания да бъдеш всичко, което ми харесва..."
The idea of running away and forgetting who I am and where I came from sounds really tempting at the moment. I'm seriously wondering why am I doing any of the things I do and what is the point in all of it. It's not going to change anything. I will always be this close and never close enough. And the ghost that you're probably dying to dream of is always going to be my worst nightmare, like it was the other night when I had to relive yet again some pleasant memories from back in the day.
I guess I should have learnt by now to live with ghosts and to fight them simply because no one else will do that for me, as much as I want that. It's the same with my insanity. I guess the two are connected somehow.
Those are my drafts from the last couple of days. I've been silent. I don't want to be. I want peace and quiet and time to enjoy myself in the comfort of my own room. One day I hate it all, the other I realize I made it this way. One day I want to disappear and the other I want to stay and fight. I'm still me, I guess. Always so full of contradictions. I only know black and white, there is no grey for me.
My schedule is full of things to do. I have essays to write, projects to think of, presentations, exams are right around the corner. I'm doing my best, you know. As always. It might not be enough most days, but it's all I can do not to drown in my insanity.
Sometimes I think that's exactly what I need.

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