10 април, 2015

sorry ever after

I've been sitting for the last half an hour thinking about it. I have no idea why I think I can solve this, since it's in your head, not mine. But I've seen all over again how perfect we can be and that is what messes up with my mind. You see it too, but you still don't want it. Yes, you have your reasons but when I'm close those reasons don't seem to matter...
I never learn my lessons. I think that if I'm good to people, they will be good to me. It doesn't really work that way. And it sucks, you know. Everybody lies. Everybody does things that end up hurting someone else. People are stupid and selfish. I know I am...
I'm finally home. It was a long ride, but I somehow made it. Funny thing, it's always scary as hell but I always make it and I'm still terrified every time I have to do it. There are days when I'm perfectly okay, and others when I'm literally sitting on the edge between normalcy and insanity waiting to see which way the wind is going to push me. 
Wearing his T-shirt sure helps in keeping me safe. Issues. Insanity suits me most of the time. If only it had no name. But it does. And I'm always on that edge. It's become a permanent part of my life now. You're not trying to hurt me, you're not trying to get back to her... You just can't let go. I can't compete with that. I can't do anything about it. I can simply sit and enjoy all of this while it lasts and pretend it's not killing me. There are no pieces left to be broken. There's nothing to fix. I am the ocean. I am nothing. I need to be nothing for a really long time before I can decide what something I want to be. Fia's words. 
I could run, you know. Leave you behind. It won't be easy, but it's an option. But I'm not a quitter. I don't quit on people, I don't leave them behind. That might be my biggest mistake, but I will keep doing it. And you want to know why I keep giving chances to people? Because I have no more chances for myself. I've given up on that pathetic version of myself entirely. I'm waiting for the old wild one to come back. And by the looks of it, it will. Because then the two permanent scars of my life will be around to finish me. It sure is something to look forward to, I know. 
Well, it's just the way my life is - always this close something and never quite close enough. 

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