06 април, 2015

start the car and take me home

Somehow I can't wait for tomorrow to come. More specifically for the end of the day when hopefully I will not have gone crazy and will be home to my family. I could really use the distraction and the distance from the never-ending things I am supposed to do here like homework, presentations, projects. Well, I did take enough homework with me to last the week, but it will be for fun, in a very masochistic kind of way. Plus I plan on drinking tea, reading books, listening to my new playlist of old epic songs and hopefully writing. 
I can't believe how far I am from what used to be normal for me. I am so far away from the girl that jumped on the bus without her parents knowing and going to see a boy who hardly cared enough about her. It was a long time ago. And it was an epic part of my story. But it is above all still my story. Also, it is my insanity. I need to remember that I will survive one way or the other. It takes time and effort, but what doesn't. And I was never a fan of the easy. I love the hard road and the storm. I love being out in the middle of it with the rain pouring all over me. That's how I know I'm alive. I just need to make some changes in my negative way of thinking and it will all get better. 
I couldn't imagine a day without him around and here I am doing what I want with him being so far away. Of course, I hear him every night, but it's not the same. It's better for one simple reason - I get to be my own savior. I am slowly and painfully learning to save myself from my own thoughts and my messed up brain that too often plays tricks on me. If it wasn't so scary sometimes, it would make a great book. Well, it still might because mostly I use my own experience in my writing and turn it into some fictional character's story, but that's my way of living through my words. 
There is greatness in being strong and not giving up in the face of fear. There is greatness in taking chances and risks, in being brave. That's exactly the way my life has always been. There is always something to scare me and make me braver, stronger, better. Plus, I am my worst enemy, so this is the most important and terrifying fight in my life so far. Every day is another fight and I win most days, others I stay in bed all day gathering all my strength. And I know I should regret all my choices that led me here, but I could never do such a thing, because they made me who I am, for better or for worse. I choose to believe it's for the better. Who knows? I guess I have all the time in the world to figure it out. 

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