05 май, 2015

chasing cars

I can survive this. All of it. I know sometimes I think I can't but those are just the dark thoughts, my insanity. Truth be told, I'm not insane at all. It's just my way of hiding all the things that I can't fix, no matter how hard I try. It isn't even a choice, you know? What I'm doing, I mean. It's what I've been doing my whole life - getting by against all odds.
I keep trying to prove that I matter. When I write my book, things will get better. When I graduate, when he comes back...
My thoughts had been all over the place these days, so no writing for me. I plan on fixing some of the chaos tomorrow, because it's time. Also, I started this thing and I really want it to work, so I will go with whatever it suggests and hopefully will be able to fix myself if that's even possible. 
Yes, I'm scared. I know I can survive, but the thing about life is what dies within you while you are still alive and so much of me has died that I am trying to safe whatever else I've got. You will ruin me once again. He will help in the process. It's just something that is meant to be just like I wrote it back then. I will try and write my own story among other things. The idea seems useful and it's about time I faced my inner subconscious ideas. Maybe that's where I lost myself in the first place. 
For the first time in a long time I feel like there's hope for me. Probably because I played with the little little kittens Asha gave birth to and they were so cute I got entoxicated. I'm going to make a new inspiring playlist and I'm going to kick my exams' behinds and I will no longer try to prove anything to anyone but myself. 
It's my damn future and it's about time I did something about it, starting with all the papers I need to write and all the books I need to read. I can't change the past and I don't really have a say in what happens in the future but what I can do is sit down and do what I'm supposed to so I can at least have something when it all goes down in flames yet again, because it's simply a theme of my life. 
I feel like changing my hair colour, dancing in the rain or buying clothes to mark the sudden change and the inspiration that follows. 

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