24 май, 2015

twisting my delusions

You don't get to complain. You don't get to stay in bed all day feeling sorry for yourself. You don't get to blame anyone but yourself for what happened and what is still happening to you. You chose this and you may not have known what you were choosing exactly, but it was your choice anyway. So whatever happens, it will still be your own fault. Yes, things happen to us. People happen to us. But it's life and it sucks. Still, you can't just stay in your bed. You can't go back to old habits and start messing your life yet again. It was too much of a mess the last time and it took a lot to fix it to at least some relatively normal state. But that falling apart can't happen again, because this time there won't be fixing. There won't be anything left to fix. Not that there was the last time but still...
So next time you feel like never getting out of bed, smoking, drinking, giving up, remember that it's your own damn life and you decide if you're going to let this happen to you all over again. Which you did. You made your own bed and now you will lay in it and you will enjoy it. Or you will get some sense into your pretty little head and you'll fix things once and for all by stepping out of this equation. Every damn time you let them put you in the shadow, make you smaller, insignificant, invisible, remember that you are also making yourself that way by believing them and by letting them have a say in your own story. Because it hadn't felt like your story in a long time. And because people always leave but you stay every damn time and even hope for them to come back and break you yet again. Because life is hard already but you're begging them to make it even harder as if that's going to do you any good. Yes, you wanted for things to change for the better. You wanted them to realize that you matter. But they don't define you. People don't define you. You define yourself. If you let them decide, you might as well quit now. But if you still have the strength to stand on your own two feet one way or the other and you are insane enough to make your choice and let them walk all over you again, then you damn well deserve whatever it is that happens to you or they do to you. Because you knew better and yet you chose to be a dreamer and wish for the impossible. If you can do that, then you're asking for whatever comes next. And you may not survive it, but you know that and you think it's worth it, so keep going. Keep doing the same mistake, keep giving them chances to turn you into ashes. After all I'm going to be the one picking you up and the only good thing about this is that I know we've been through worse. And I know it can get so much worse than that but I respect your choices even when they are mistakes waiting to happen and I have no other choice but to stand by you when things fall apart once again.
Because I am you. But telling things to someone else is a lot easier. It creates the comfortable distance my subconsciousness needs to not torture me daily for doing what I'm doing. I deserve whatever happens, because I was stupid enough to go back to all the ghosts. I'm trying to prepare for what will come next but I don't know if I can possibly do so. I need to know for sure and there's no one to tell me. So I'm stuck in this yet again. A whole year passed and I'm still stuck between the past and the present of your life, not mine. And I really hope you figure it out once and for all because I can't seem to make the right decision for myself and walk away the way I did a while ago. But how can one step away from you ever be anything but a step in the wrong direction?
Well, ignorance has always been my bliss. Lying to myself is what I do best, so that's what I'm going to do to convince the ghosts to leave me alone. And in two months hopefully I will have all the answers and I won't be stuck anymore. Though with my luck, there won't ever be a way out for me.

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