28 юни, 2015


You know, I do remember a time when you used to look at me the same way Brandon looks at Callie. When you'd make me listen to how fast your heart beats just because I'm around. When you'd be calling me right after we hung up just to say you love me one more time. Then it all faded in time...
You are going to live forever in my words. In that one character with the green eyes that are sometimes brown, just like yours. In here, you will always be present somehow. 
I'm doing it again. I'm saying goodbye somehow without even having a reason to do so. I guess a part of me realizes now what you meant about our timing. My mom is right in some way. You are the final draw that drove me to my insanity. Going back, I saw all the signs of it happening, but I didn't know what it was. Now that I do... I'm really now looking forward to living through that all over again. And it feels like I will, pretty soon, in fact. The hole I got myself into really isn't the best place to be so I'm trying to find a way out of it, but I don't want to be in it anymore. I don't want to have to pick myself off the floor if I can even do so after yet another knife in my back. I know what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, but I'm not sure how much more I can take before I quit it all and start buying cats to live with. 
And it sucks that I haven't heard from her for two months. It sucks that... But I'm not a magician, I can't make people stay or go. And I wish I was faking it, I wish it wasn't actually happening and I wish I had control over any of it, but I don't. 
It's not supposed to be that hard, you know. I don't get this secret thing. I don't get why I'm in the picture if it's only going to get worse. That's my inner fight, as my mom called it. Not knowing if I can't wait for him to come back or if I'm actually terrified of it. Not knowing if I should quit or keep fighting. If things are going to get better anytime soon, or if they are only getting worse. Well, with my luck I guess worse it is. Pessimism works for me. It suits my darkness perfectly. I had fire once. Now I have epic TV series to watch, books to read and reality to escape.
"You think you have forever but you don't."

friend zone

It's funny. I don't have a tag for you, I haven't turned this into a thing. I knew I wanted to, but I didn't. Sometimes I can find all the reasons in the world for that, but sometimes like tonight they fail me. I guess I always wanted to be sure it's over with the past, because somehow you and I deserve more than rebound. This is so wrong coming from me, considering everything right now, but I felt like I should be honest with myself at least once in a while. Point is, I guess... You're always there. The possibility that can still happen. I kind of like having it that way. I know how this sounds, but I can't help it. I mean, we already seem to others like we've been together for so long. And all the things we've shared, talked about. All the issues.
Then you're back to being a jerk and proving why it won't work. Too bad I can see behind all that and I know you're just hiding yourself. It's what we all do. And it's nights like that under the stars that I want to have. It makes me happy to be a dreamer again, even for a little while, even if I'm just pretending to be one. After all, pretending does half the job when you're trying to do something. 

22 юни, 2015

reality check

The lines should be clear. When someone screws with your life and only cares when they have nothing better to do, they are not worth it. When they play with you just for fun, you are not supposed to allow them to do so. Then what is it that makes those damn lines so blury? The exceptions, huh. Those we keep close and we care about. People are idiots, basically. We make our lives worse for trusting untrustworthy people and we give them all the weapons they can hurt us with, hoping they won't. And they do time and again. A sinner is a sinner. A liar is a liar... But we let them. We paint our own hell.
I know I have. I've been painting it all along. Ever since that breaking point where everything changed and I decided to do whatever the hell I want without letting anyone stop me. I kind of wish I could go back now and stop myself. But then I think of all the things that happened and I still can't for the life of me even begin to regret them. And that can't just be over because my damn brain can't handle it.
Yeah, back to this. While people are traveling around the world I can't even seem to go on a trip with my parents without freaking out and thinking something bad is happening. And I am well aware that it's all in my head and I can't stop it. So I keep doing what I'm supposed to without stepping outside the lines, because when I do, it gets ugly and hard. I like breathing, you know. The perfect way to stay alive. But how alive are you, if you never cross the line?
I guess I'm not free of my own ghosts after all. They came back to torture me. I am damn happy now that I spent four months drinking and pouring caffeine and nicotine into my system any chance I got. She's right. She can be here, hold my hand, tell me it's going to be okay, be my rock and anchor and all that, but it's my path. I must be the one to follow it. If only I was an optimist, things would have been so much different. If I didn't care all that much, if nothing ever got to me... But then I wouldn't be me, right. Now I got why Sarah is in all the mess - because she cares. 
You know, there's one thing I regret. Waking up that morning, going to the university and drinking coffee instead of being in class. That's how this hell welcomed me to its heavenly kingdom. All the irony. The cure became the poison. It always does for me. It's in my blood, that much I do know. But I'm not done. I will all the circles I have to, but I will not sit still and I will not spend another minute trying to escape this. I will fight. Now I have no idea where I'm going to find the strength to do that, but I have to try, right. Otherwise, I might as well really give up on my higher education, drop everything and come back home, to read books and be an old lady at 22. I'm no quitter. And if it was easy, it wouldn't be happening to us, huh. 

18 юни, 2015

if a tree falls down

It sucks to realise that when someone betrays me, my first thought it that I should have known better than to trust them. And it's not their fault, it's mine because it's natural for people to betray other people. It's also sad in a way. Well, okay, my vacation is not going as planned because I still have breakfast alone and well, I'm alone almost all the time. Which is fine, except I was looking forward to my mom's jokes and stuff. I can at least use the time to study but first - I can't really see the point and second - even if I study my butt of, I won't get any better grades. 
I'm starting to consider a gap year of nothing to do but write and read books and watch awesome shows. That's the dream, after all. That's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And maybe do some teaching as a job. My dream doesn't require any degrees really. All it needs is for me to sit and write. And also, to have inspiration, which reality is really messing with. 
I really am a horrible daughter for going through my mom's diaries. Not that she's written that much, but I've been so curious to see how her mind worked when she was my age and well - we are so much alike. She had given up on her parents understanding her, on her first marriage and even on her second love, thinking that it won't last. And she keeps mentioning me as her last hope. She found the strength to keep going because of me and well, I disappointed her by becoming all the things she hated him for - the first being lying. I'm not really sure I had a chance to not disappoint her really with all the high expectations of being perfect. She knew even when I was less than a year old that her marriage is not going to work but she held on to it, probably for me, for four more years. Am I not doing the same? Only I don't have a child to think of, just myself. 
The what-ifs that created my life will never end. When you start to wonder how many things had to happen so that you could meet people and be part of their life... It makes you so small in a way - part of the big cosmical joke called life. I blame my mood on the rain and I intend to pour some warm coffee over it, so it goes away. 

15 юни, 2015

too close for comfort II

"You can't move on while you're still entangled with an ex. It's too tricky."
Amen to that, Weever. Watching The Carrie Diaries for the second time sure brings out some old thoughts and a lot more new ones. In reality I am keeping a somewhat friendly relations with only two - the one that mattered too much and the one that I only though he would. Well, the first one still matters, he always matters and I've been using my story with him to draw a lot of conclusions. The second was just someone I used in order to fill the hole that was my soul (or lack of one) for the time being. That sure worked out great! 
First point is, damn I so want to know what it's like to have someone like me (all emotional and overthinking things) fall in love with me. Like an artist or a writer, or even a musician. Now that would be an intense relationship worth writing about. Because the ghosts stories are begining to sound like a broken record even to me. Too bad I can't really escape reality. 
Second point goes to Weever. Things were great when the ghost didn't exist. When you closed the door and locked it. Too bad you never threw away the key. But you never heard about my ghost of that time. He was there and you never knew about him because he was my ghost and you didn't deserve having him thrown in your face making you feel insignificant. I made the ghost disappear.
Now that I come to think of it, if the ghost wasn't half a world away, things would have been so much more complicated. I think the only reason I got over the one that always matters is exactly the distance that I hated so much before. In reality it's the thing that helped me the most. 
Being close to people messes you up. You tell them things and they tell you things and and you love them and they forget to love you back or forget about you alltogether. And I know it takes two, but I'm not opening that door. 
I closed all my doors. Truth is, you became a habit. I needed someone, so I turned you into my world because I though that's how love should be - giving it your all and hoping for the best. Now I know better even if it doesn't show and everyone thinks I'm being stupid yet again. I do know better. I know that not many people can handle my personality. But I'm not losing my edges just for that. Even if I live with my cats someday, at least I will have been true to myself and that should count for something.
You were a habit. But the more time passes, the better I get at not freaking out. You're becoming a choice. And one I still have to make when you get back and things start to get all messy. Because you were never that careful. I kept my ghosts away from you to a point where they no longer exist, while you let yours come and torture me. That reminds me of the quote about the tree in the forest. Does it matter that I kept you safe if you never knew about it? And if you knew, that would make me selfish, because I'd want something from you in return. This will always be the mess I can never solve because it's not my mess. And I don't want to be the one, I want to be the only. 
Everyone thinks I never stopped loving you. That I just stood there waiting for you to come back and even begging you to do so. That wasn't the case. I was done, it was over for me and I had enough. But I'd like to believe that if I changed and tried to make things better after screwing up, people would give me the chance to do so. And this turned out to be a very random post with lots of points. 
Sometimes I do wish things were different with all of it. I love all the ifs that surround my existance. What never was shaped my life in many ways. 

11 юни, 2015

happy something

Now I now the difference between missing people. Because there is a difference, you know. Once upon a time I was going crazy, writing it all down, so I don't forget a single detail of the very few memories I've had with him. It was hard to listen to those songs, hard to read my own words and even hard to write them, which is why I wrote in such a chaotic saying-things-while-not-saying-them way. Now I breathe. It was hard the first few weeks but it got better. I somehow worked around all the time we used to spend together and I got comfortable with this distance thing. I miss you, yes. But it's not drowning me. It's not torturing me and I don't need caffeine and nicotine to fill the holes. Lesson learned - just because it's not killing you, doesn't mean it's not real. Because it is and I see it every time you are somewhere and you text me just to tell me how awesome it is and you can't wait to get home and tell me all about it. 

That awesome moment when you are so happy with reality that you don't want it to change, because it usually changes for the worst. And then it's adjustment period again. All the deadlines, quizzes and exams this week are ruining my good mood. Plus I'm sick, which makes me hate everyone even more for making me do things I don't have the desire and inspiration to even consider doing. Yes, it's the end of the semester and they usually make the last week the worst. Good thing is I'm going home to my cat and my mom and I'm going to have all the time in the world to prepare for the other upcoming exams and to also be as lazy as I want. And in a little more than a month things will start to change, so I need all the peace and quiet I can get before I have to deal with ghosts and other such creatures. Well, what's new, I guess. 
Here's to me being awesome and fighting my insanity every single day. If I can do that, some ghosts will not be such a big problem. Hopefully. Optimism is really not my friend. Oh well, thanks to my insanity I don't really have that much friends. Making jokes with myself is always a fun way to end a post. My life is like The Hunger Games: May the odds be ever in your favor! And they never are. 

05 юни, 2015

give me excess of it

I hate the future. I really do. I'm already so used to fighting my demons almost every day, waiting for you to come back. But it's okay that you're away somehow. When you get back things will become messy again. And we will be away from each other another month after that as well. Time will start to move too fast and then it will stop and then it will be moving too fast and I like it this way.
Those that are gone... They are whatever we want them to be. Kinda sucks for those that are still here, huh. My sister is right. When things get messy again, I shouldn't try to fix them anymore. I should just let go. Yes, my dear, I'm giving you a chance. I am giving us a chance. I'm giving all the chances I have and I hope it's worth it. Every stop, every alarm screaming in my head... I choose to ignore them. But somehow I am trying to prepare for the worst as usual, knowing that it will still manage to take me by surprise. 
I don't want to believe this. I don't want to feel special and loved. Not if it's going to end as soon as you come back. Or she comes back. Yes, I'm doing it again. Probably because it's the middle of the night and I feel like making myself some coffee. I haven't been up all night in a long time. I've been careful not to do stupid things that will trigger my insanity all over again. But the past few days I've been on overdrive and sleep deprivation and it's been the best days of my life. Being on the edge with a scene of some imaginary world in front of my eyes and the inability to stop it - that's all that I'm living for. That thrill, the high from being so into my own world that reality becomes blurry and uncertain. It was probably the dream I had that was so real and it sort of kept my imagination busy all day. I do sound crazy, I know. It's just that my inspiration comes in waves, usually when I have no time for it. It's kind of like my insanity - comes in the worst possible time and goes away when I have all the time in the world for it. Like I said, the insanity would have been fun if it didn't make me scared as hell every time. And I'm used to it, but it still manages to drown me, when it wants to. Well, thankfully not recently, because I'm a good girl and I don't do bad things. That doesn't mean I don't secretly want to. But I fought too hard to let it all slip right through my fingers. 
I keep forgetting the most important thing - don't worry about those that are gone, or even the ones that are here. Whoever wants to stay, will stay. Whoever wants to find the time for you, will find the time for you. The past can only hurt you if you let it. So it's all a matter of choice and priorities. And we all know I was never the choice or the priority. I'm just now starting to get used to my position and trying my best to fill it properly.

01 юни, 2015


I am starting to doubt my own pessimistic thoughts about the future and I don't like it. The dreamer in me is not dead after all and is starting to draw pictures of a future we share. And that scares me to death. I kind of want to silence her but in the same time I'm glad she's still alive. It's like there is hope for me, but also there are pieces to be broken, I guess. Now I know what that quote (which I can't quite remember as words but I remember it's meaning) actually feels like. It sucks to want to make plans and to be afraid of them failing yet again. Yes, I love her for being right about it all. I always worry, and she always has faith for the both of us. She has faith in you too. Please don't fail us again.
Enough with the pessimism. I have two weeks of studying overload and writing papers, projects and presentations and then I will have my much needed break from this reality. I guess I should make a list of all the books, movies and TV shows I will watch. I could use the escape before the exams begin.
I feel inspired. My head is full of these ideas, as usual when I am busy doing other stuff, and I don't have the time to write it all down. And when I have the time, the ideas will be gone. Good thing is they come back sometimes. Some of them. But I should really start writing it all down. I can't wait for my Creative writing class next year, if I can even finish this one. Of course, with my luck it will suck, but I will still be happy to be tortured. Yes, that's the spirit. After all, my insanity is the source of my ideas recently, so there is a nice upside.
I've read so much academic literature, that I'm dying for some sci-fi or fantasy. Yep, I will start making lists of all the awesome things I will be doing when the semester is over and then when the exams are over. Well, after the second one the dreamer in me has already made plans with him, which is going to be another thing to get over once karma shows up, but that's another story. And you know, I love having question marks in my life - two of them, in fact. At least I think they are two. Time will tell, I guess.
Oh, and there's this new epic TV show. I can't wait for more episodes. It's called Stitchers.