05 юни, 2015

give me excess of it

I hate the future. I really do. I'm already so used to fighting my demons almost every day, waiting for you to come back. But it's okay that you're away somehow. When you get back things will become messy again. And we will be away from each other another month after that as well. Time will start to move too fast and then it will stop and then it will be moving too fast and I like it this way.
Those that are gone... They are whatever we want them to be. Kinda sucks for those that are still here, huh. My sister is right. When things get messy again, I shouldn't try to fix them anymore. I should just let go. Yes, my dear, I'm giving you a chance. I am giving us a chance. I'm giving all the chances I have and I hope it's worth it. Every stop, every alarm screaming in my head... I choose to ignore them. But somehow I am trying to prepare for the worst as usual, knowing that it will still manage to take me by surprise. 
I don't want to believe this. I don't want to feel special and loved. Not if it's going to end as soon as you come back. Or she comes back. Yes, I'm doing it again. Probably because it's the middle of the night and I feel like making myself some coffee. I haven't been up all night in a long time. I've been careful not to do stupid things that will trigger my insanity all over again. But the past few days I've been on overdrive and sleep deprivation and it's been the best days of my life. Being on the edge with a scene of some imaginary world in front of my eyes and the inability to stop it - that's all that I'm living for. That thrill, the high from being so into my own world that reality becomes blurry and uncertain. It was probably the dream I had that was so real and it sort of kept my imagination busy all day. I do sound crazy, I know. It's just that my inspiration comes in waves, usually when I have no time for it. It's kind of like my insanity - comes in the worst possible time and goes away when I have all the time in the world for it. Like I said, the insanity would have been fun if it didn't make me scared as hell every time. And I'm used to it, but it still manages to drown me, when it wants to. Well, thankfully not recently, because I'm a good girl and I don't do bad things. That doesn't mean I don't secretly want to. But I fought too hard to let it all slip right through my fingers. 
I keep forgetting the most important thing - don't worry about those that are gone, or even the ones that are here. Whoever wants to stay, will stay. Whoever wants to find the time for you, will find the time for you. The past can only hurt you if you let it. So it's all a matter of choice and priorities. And we all know I was never the choice or the priority. I'm just now starting to get used to my position and trying my best to fill it properly.

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