18 юни, 2015

if a tree falls down

It sucks to realise that when someone betrays me, my first thought it that I should have known better than to trust them. And it's not their fault, it's mine because it's natural for people to betray other people. It's also sad in a way. Well, okay, my vacation is not going as planned because I still have breakfast alone and well, I'm alone almost all the time. Which is fine, except I was looking forward to my mom's jokes and stuff. I can at least use the time to study but first - I can't really see the point and second - even if I study my butt of, I won't get any better grades. 
I'm starting to consider a gap year of nothing to do but write and read books and watch awesome shows. That's the dream, after all. That's what I want to do for the rest of my life. And maybe do some teaching as a job. My dream doesn't require any degrees really. All it needs is for me to sit and write. And also, to have inspiration, which reality is really messing with. 
I really am a horrible daughter for going through my mom's diaries. Not that she's written that much, but I've been so curious to see how her mind worked when she was my age and well - we are so much alike. She had given up on her parents understanding her, on her first marriage and even on her second love, thinking that it won't last. And she keeps mentioning me as her last hope. She found the strength to keep going because of me and well, I disappointed her by becoming all the things she hated him for - the first being lying. I'm not really sure I had a chance to not disappoint her really with all the high expectations of being perfect. She knew even when I was less than a year old that her marriage is not going to work but she held on to it, probably for me, for four more years. Am I not doing the same? Only I don't have a child to think of, just myself. 
The what-ifs that created my life will never end. When you start to wonder how many things had to happen so that you could meet people and be part of their life... It makes you so small in a way - part of the big cosmical joke called life. I blame my mood on the rain and I intend to pour some warm coffee over it, so it goes away. 

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