28 юни, 2015


You know, I do remember a time when you used to look at me the same way Brandon looks at Callie. When you'd make me listen to how fast your heart beats just because I'm around. When you'd be calling me right after we hung up just to say you love me one more time. Then it all faded in time...
You are going to live forever in my words. In that one character with the green eyes that are sometimes brown, just like yours. In here, you will always be present somehow. 
I'm doing it again. I'm saying goodbye somehow without even having a reason to do so. I guess a part of me realizes now what you meant about our timing. My mom is right in some way. You are the final draw that drove me to my insanity. Going back, I saw all the signs of it happening, but I didn't know what it was. Now that I do... I'm really now looking forward to living through that all over again. And it feels like I will, pretty soon, in fact. The hole I got myself into really isn't the best place to be so I'm trying to find a way out of it, but I don't want to be in it anymore. I don't want to have to pick myself off the floor if I can even do so after yet another knife in my back. I know what doesn't kill you is supposed to make you stronger, but I'm not sure how much more I can take before I quit it all and start buying cats to live with. 
And it sucks that I haven't heard from her for two months. It sucks that... But I'm not a magician, I can't make people stay or go. And I wish I was faking it, I wish it wasn't actually happening and I wish I had control over any of it, but I don't. 
It's not supposed to be that hard, you know. I don't get this secret thing. I don't get why I'm in the picture if it's only going to get worse. That's my inner fight, as my mom called it. Not knowing if I can't wait for him to come back or if I'm actually terrified of it. Not knowing if I should quit or keep fighting. If things are going to get better anytime soon, or if they are only getting worse. Well, with my luck I guess worse it is. Pessimism works for me. It suits my darkness perfectly. I had fire once. Now I have epic TV series to watch, books to read and reality to escape.
"You think you have forever but you don't."

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