22 юни, 2015

reality check

The lines should be clear. When someone screws with your life and only cares when they have nothing better to do, they are not worth it. When they play with you just for fun, you are not supposed to allow them to do so. Then what is it that makes those damn lines so blury? The exceptions, huh. Those we keep close and we care about. People are idiots, basically. We make our lives worse for trusting untrustworthy people and we give them all the weapons they can hurt us with, hoping they won't. And they do time and again. A sinner is a sinner. A liar is a liar... But we let them. We paint our own hell.
I know I have. I've been painting it all along. Ever since that breaking point where everything changed and I decided to do whatever the hell I want without letting anyone stop me. I kind of wish I could go back now and stop myself. But then I think of all the things that happened and I still can't for the life of me even begin to regret them. And that can't just be over because my damn brain can't handle it.
Yeah, back to this. While people are traveling around the world I can't even seem to go on a trip with my parents without freaking out and thinking something bad is happening. And I am well aware that it's all in my head and I can't stop it. So I keep doing what I'm supposed to without stepping outside the lines, because when I do, it gets ugly and hard. I like breathing, you know. The perfect way to stay alive. But how alive are you, if you never cross the line?
I guess I'm not free of my own ghosts after all. They came back to torture me. I am damn happy now that I spent four months drinking and pouring caffeine and nicotine into my system any chance I got. She's right. She can be here, hold my hand, tell me it's going to be okay, be my rock and anchor and all that, but it's my path. I must be the one to follow it. If only I was an optimist, things would have been so much different. If I didn't care all that much, if nothing ever got to me... But then I wouldn't be me, right. Now I got why Sarah is in all the mess - because she cares. 
You know, there's one thing I regret. Waking up that morning, going to the university and drinking coffee instead of being in class. That's how this hell welcomed me to its heavenly kingdom. All the irony. The cure became the poison. It always does for me. It's in my blood, that much I do know. But I'm not done. I will all the circles I have to, but I will not sit still and I will not spend another minute trying to escape this. I will fight. Now I have no idea where I'm going to find the strength to do that, but I have to try, right. Otherwise, I might as well really give up on my higher education, drop everything and come back home, to read books and be an old lady at 22. I'm no quitter. And if it was easy, it wouldn't be happening to us, huh. 

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