15 юни, 2015

too close for comfort II

"You can't move on while you're still entangled with an ex. It's too tricky."
Amen to that, Weever. Watching The Carrie Diaries for the second time sure brings out some old thoughts and a lot more new ones. In reality I am keeping a somewhat friendly relations with only two - the one that mattered too much and the one that I only though he would. Well, the first one still matters, he always matters and I've been using my story with him to draw a lot of conclusions. The second was just someone I used in order to fill the hole that was my soul (or lack of one) for the time being. That sure worked out great! 
First point is, damn I so want to know what it's like to have someone like me (all emotional and overthinking things) fall in love with me. Like an artist or a writer, or even a musician. Now that would be an intense relationship worth writing about. Because the ghosts stories are begining to sound like a broken record even to me. Too bad I can't really escape reality. 
Second point goes to Weever. Things were great when the ghost didn't exist. When you closed the door and locked it. Too bad you never threw away the key. But you never heard about my ghost of that time. He was there and you never knew about him because he was my ghost and you didn't deserve having him thrown in your face making you feel insignificant. I made the ghost disappear.
Now that I come to think of it, if the ghost wasn't half a world away, things would have been so much more complicated. I think the only reason I got over the one that always matters is exactly the distance that I hated so much before. In reality it's the thing that helped me the most. 
Being close to people messes you up. You tell them things and they tell you things and and you love them and they forget to love you back or forget about you alltogether. And I know it takes two, but I'm not opening that door. 
I closed all my doors. Truth is, you became a habit. I needed someone, so I turned you into my world because I though that's how love should be - giving it your all and hoping for the best. Now I know better even if it doesn't show and everyone thinks I'm being stupid yet again. I do know better. I know that not many people can handle my personality. But I'm not losing my edges just for that. Even if I live with my cats someday, at least I will have been true to myself and that should count for something.
You were a habit. But the more time passes, the better I get at not freaking out. You're becoming a choice. And one I still have to make when you get back and things start to get all messy. Because you were never that careful. I kept my ghosts away from you to a point where they no longer exist, while you let yours come and torture me. That reminds me of the quote about the tree in the forest. Does it matter that I kept you safe if you never knew about it? And if you knew, that would make me selfish, because I'd want something from you in return. This will always be the mess I can never solve because it's not my mess. And I don't want to be the one, I want to be the only. 
Everyone thinks I never stopped loving you. That I just stood there waiting for you to come back and even begging you to do so. That wasn't the case. I was done, it was over for me and I had enough. But I'd like to believe that if I changed and tried to make things better after screwing up, people would give me the chance to do so. And this turned out to be a very random post with lots of points. 
Sometimes I do wish things were different with all of it. I love all the ifs that surround my existance. What never was shaped my life in many ways. 

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