30 юли, 2015

I disappear

So yeah, I really am exactly where I started. I keep going back, because well - I'm back home which is the constant reminder of all the things I never did and will never be able to do, because when other people did them I was stuck at home and now it's kind of too late. Plus, I'm terrified to go out or be alone or anything really. And another day passes, the same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow and nothing changes. And when I talk to my therapist, she gives me hope and I start believing again and then when I'm alone I realize there is no point and I can't see the point in trying. Because every time I tried, I failed miserably. And I do want to let it all go and start over but I can't find the way to do that.
I'm still trying though, because that's the only thing left to do. I know it could be worse, I know there are people who love me and believe in me but maybe the problem is I don't. I used to be in a very dark place and just know that in a month or two I'll be laughing at it. Now it's one month after the other and I'm just barely noticing how the time flies and nothing changes. I feel numb or terrified. Nothing in between. I have no idea how to get that happy, excited, overwhelming feeling back into my life. The idea of a possible future something only kept me going for two days thanks to the weird dreams. The other idea is more likely to make me want to stay in bed all day. Nothing matters, nothing happens. 
Even if I get myself a car, even if I write the best damn book in the world, even if I got the best job in the world, it won't matter. No one cares anyway. I only ever feel excited for like half an hour and then I'm bored and I want to be some place else. And when everyone else is gone, I'm left with my own thoughts and I used to be okay with them but now they seem too dark and I'm quite scared to be alone with them because ... Reasons which no one talks about because then they'd really get me into an asylum and leave me there for good. 
I'm only allowing myself to write this so it can leave me alone for a few days. As if by letting it out, I'm setting myself free. Well, we all know that won't happen, but it's the hope that counts in my case. 

29 юли, 2015

everything that kills me

If I'm writing, then my love life must suck. Well, it always does, so yes - I'm writing. It feels good though because I'm working on a new angle for my supposed future novel and it's going quite good so far. I even managed to spice up the style a little bit and add some darkness to the action. Hopefully it will be as awesome in reality as I see it with my imagination. 
Other than that I forgot to mention how much I hate being assigned a label that I belong to someone and no one can ever talk to me in certain ways. While in reality I no longer belong to anyone and I'm not a property (idiots!). It's like when you're with someone, they are allowed to make inappropriate jokes because there can't be any truth to them actually happening. And when you're no longer with somebody, no one wants to make such jokes as if you'd immediatelly act on it. Hello! Do I look that crazy and desperate? 
That is why I like the people who ignore my labels and keep joking with me or about me. Because, let's face it - after all a big part of my life is a joke. And now it's not just the dreams. My imagination is actively playing with the temptation and the possibility there. So you have a tag and you should feel special even though if you knew about it, you'd laugh at me a lot and then you'd say how I want you and I'm just pretending not to. Idiot! I do want you. I just want to be rid of all other things (ghosts) that may or may not still be a part of my otherwise always messed up life. 
And there I go again talking about things that are just a vague possibility and may not even happen as if they are already true. Reading all the posts at the end of the year will be so much fun. And while I talk about them, they couldn't care less. Well, I already changed my hair. As soon as I'm over with this insanity I'm getting some tattoos. And whatever happens. 

28 юли, 2015


I'm not the ashes of a dreamer, just a dreamer in recovery. Dreamers can be scared too. That doesn't mean they are not hopeful. It's just that I'm having a hard time believing
"But I guess I gotta be a grown-up. Gotta be okay with not being okay." That's exactly what my mind had problems with. Accepting the fact that it's not okay when it should have been and could have been. Because I deserved it and it wasn't fair. Well, Karma couldn't care less. When you pick the wrong people you deserve anything that comes with them. And I pick them anyway, because I'm not a right person as well and I am still hoping someone will pick me anyway, even if I'm trouble. It's not you I'm trying to save, you see. It's me.
There is no drowning anymore. And I finally got a brilliant idea for the writing. Don't try to escape your insanity. Let it drown you, burn you, inspire you. It's funny how I'm sitting here hoping you fall for me and you're probably (if you're even thinking about me at all) hoping I fall for someone else. And I am actually trying to do so. My mind is, to be more accurate.
Then there comes a movie that turns my world upside-down. To write love on her arms. Why didn't I watch it earlier?! It's brilliant! I feel like reading Cat Clarke's 'Entangled' again. It's funny. One second I'm on top of the world, able to do whatever the hell I want and the next I'm completely terrified to be left alone. Just a regular day in the panic society. (inside joke, wow)
Best site ever for help 7 cups of tea is awesome. Anyway, I am being an idiot - sitting here and hoping he texts me. Or the other he. Too many people to wait for, I guess. Still, I got a new hair colour finally and I'm slowly putting myself back together. And I want you both in my life, you idiots. Now how I want that is a different story. Have I mentioned that there's been no drowning in my sleep? Well, yes. How can there be after I drowned like five or six times. Instead I dream of the boy that was there in one other dream when I was talking to him and then the water was too much. But I remember feeling so close to him right before the scary part. Maybe that's why I find him so close in reality as well. Or it works the other way around. Anyway, I'm slowly rebuilding my life and finding myself, my fire or whatever it is that I've been missing. And it's scary most of the time but I'm being a hero. Because when I needed one no one was around and I had to find my own way out. Then I got into the hole again but I managed to get out again. That movie really got me thinking about that time. Hopefully there won't be another trip down that hell hole. Hopefully I don't need anyone to save me and I can for once save myself for good. 

27 юли, 2015

everybody is looking for something

Не на себе си, а на всички останали трябва да поставя граници, за да спрат да ме дърпат в различни посоки. Крайно време е да спра да се оставям на течението и после да протестирам защо ми се е случило това и онова, все едно нямам абсолютно никакъв контрол върху живота си. Имам! Искам света, какъвто си беше! Какъвто го исках преди!
Намирам си огъня, да. It feels good. Благодаря ти, съзнание мое за сънищата. Все едно имах нужда от подобни идеи. То си иска едно, аз в реалността друго. Или може би то ми подсказва какво да искам. The mind is an interesting, D-r Grey. Other than that my hair is redish, pinkish... Well, it's different. Figured the inner change needs to be marked by an outer one as well in case I lose my inner motivation and need a reminder. 
I so love long walks with old friends who just get you without you having to explain yourself. Maybe that's why I don't get you'd give me up since I do the same for you. Well, with those dreams and ideas in my head soon I won't mind all that, I hope. 
I've had one of the best days in a long time and I don't have you to thank for. I have someone else. Well, a couple of people actually. I thought I was exactly where I was last year but I'm not. Not entirely. I want it all still and I want it with you but I can see it happening even if you're not here to hold my hand. I am reliving another year and another time when I wanted to fight when I was with him and then I decided I don't want to anymore. It's the distance that allows me to play with all my ideas. And the dreams that (dammit) felt a bit too real. Maybe also the conversations that are countless and your constant presence in my life. And how we had a thing for one another at different times. Mostly the way you are almost never serious so much that you surprise me even after knowing you for so long. 
Or I'm being an idiot yet again for even thinking about it and having such faith in people. After all, my track record isn't really good so far. Put I keep hoping that will change. Or I'll start buying cats. 
Fine, I really want us to work but not the way we do now. I want the romance, the butterflies, the endless conversations, the irresistable urge to kiss... Which is what for some reason I see in him. Well, we see what we want to see. But this was still an epic day and even more epic night!

25 юли, 2015

I matter

I guess I proved to myself that I can get a job even with my insanity. And not one, but two. (Yey me!) I better start writing down all my successes and think of them instead of all the things I could have done or should have done. I've found some really nice inspirational movies and books to keep me company when the darkness threatens to take me back. It will sometimes but I need to learn that it's okay, no matter how hard that might seem sometimes. 
It's funny how I got used to not being able to do things and now everything seems so out of reach for one reason or another. When it's really just scary to want things. But it will go away when you start fighting for the things you want. I think it was a mistake to let it all happen to me as if I have no say in this.
Also, thank you dear brain for the dream. I really did not need to see that, even if my imagination takes me there sometimes. Thanks! Now I have some more issues to deal with and weirdness to fight when I'm around people. As if I don't have enough! 
It's simply okay to be scared, to not want to do things and go places. It feels so weird to think that way. I'm a person who always has to do things and be places. If that's really the key to my insanity I'll gladly stop doing as anyone says and just enjoy my own stuff. Not that I don't but I don't see them as mine, I see them as filling time until I have to do something else. 
My point is, being a hero is not always easy. Basically it just means being scared as hell but still trying to move forward and not go hiding. Proudly, I mostly fight and don't run. Or if I will run, I just don't go out and stay safe in the comfort of my own room. It's managable, compared to other people's issues and problems. It's only scary in certain situations, so I guess I'll try to figure them out and learn that there's nothing scary about them. Good luck there!
Just so you know, I do miss you. 

23 юли, 2015


For a second there I forgot how tricky and evil my mind actually is. I've had the two most inspiring days in I can't remember how long and then it all came rushing back - the worry, the fear, the panic. It's going to be one hell of a recovery. I've been doing very well with the whole being an adult thing - looking for a job, going after a new hobby, placing boundaries, doing things I want. And then my mind reminded me that I'm far from free. Finally the pill kicked in, so I will be able to get some sleep I hope. And tomorrow I'll be not so brave and not try to conquer the world. I will instead be a good girl and go see my therapist because that step backwards really damaged my positive thinking. 
At least photography seems to be working for me. And the looking for jobs. Meredith was right - wonder why people don't go crazy considering what you can lose in a day. I should know. I went through a whole lifetime in two years. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and all. I was really ready for this to be over and to be happily done with my darkest days. Let me be dark myself and say that they can't possibly be over. I'm just getting started and it's going to take a lot of time for me to deal with it all. Some days I won't even believe I can but other I will be trying to conquer the world, so I guess it's okay. Even if it's not, I can't really fix it in a blink of an eye. What sucks about it is that this is the worst part after a bad part. When do I get the good part of it all? And will I ever (sigh)...

22 юли, 2015

I know what you're after (get me out)

I survived a day being a hero. I'm planning on doing a lot more heroic ordinary things in the next few days. I choose to be brave and I will keep choosing it in the future. I'm supposed to make a list with all the things I want to do and do them. I am accountable now for all my actions. And there is no wrong way as long as it takes me out of the black hole I got myself into. Let's say it was all part of the big plan to gain more experience on the darker parts of my own mind and soul in order to write better darker characters with lots of issues and complicated relationships. 
In reality it turns out, as far as my psycologist says, I am only being too careful to not overstep any boundary, to not cross any line, to not do the wrong thing. But it's all my choices which I made when I wanted things, so they can't really be that wrong. Plus I get to be the one living with the consequences, so people should really mind their own busines and not share their opinion about mine. 
That said, I am starting to try things I always wanted to do but somehow felt I couldn't. There is nothing stopping me, so I will climb or take down any wall because (dammit!) it's my damn life and I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to. Please, remind me of those words whenever I don't want to leave my bed and hate the world. Of course, there are going to be days like that but well, I should get used to that. 
Also, I seemed to be well aware of my problems, but someone else saying it from an objective point of view is so much better and clearer to understand. Finally someone gets it and I don't have to give excuses or explain myself. I am who I am and that's completely fine. I will work on myself and focus on what I want and need and will see where all that takes me. Hopefully it won't be worse than where I've already been. And sadly, we can't seem eye to eye on this so I really will be doing this on my own. Hopefully I will get what I wanted all along - my freedom.

21 юли, 2015

if at all

Back home and the melancholy and the need to run away are here. It's funny - I had the same feeling when I was in Sofia for some well-known reason but then that feeling disappeared. How many times can that happen? How long can it possibly take to quit, give up, not be able to see anything anymore? Because I say I'm the ashes of a dreamer but yet I can't seem to give up my dream of an idea. Why can't I always have the things I want most? Why do I have to quit and agree to settle for something less than what I wanted? Thank you, Karma, but can you please stop screwing with me?!
I've been ignoring memories all day, refusing to think of it all as if it's over even if it pretty much is. Yes, it's perfect now, but you don't feel it or it feels wrong. There is no going back to the way we loved each other. But I'm the patron saint if lost causes, so I keep trying to fight for us. I can even believe in us for you until you believe it yourself again. If you do so at all...
Functioning is a bit hard these days, being away is even harder but it is what it is. I need some time to myself in order to kick that damn panic out of my life (if it's even possible) and then to go fix whatever relationships I got left, if any.

17 юли, 2015


Today turns out to be one of those days where I am all over the place not able to breathe and function properly. The closer it gets to midnight, the more freaked out I am. Because I know what is going to happen and all the strength in the world can't possibly prepare me for it. Nothing can. I am the one that has to do the right thing for once but my body refuses to trust me about it. 
Somehow I always survive those days. And then I wonder how on earth I could come up with such plans and theories and why do people let me. Whenever something major is going to happen I freak out and start trying to find a way to ruin it. It's a self-destruction thing. I always do it. And no one is trying to stop me, sane as I am. I wish I could go back in time sometimes and slap myself for all the ridiculous thoughts but then I kind of see the point. I know why all the alarms started screaming in my head. They always do. He is the reason. Because everything in me knows the kind of power he has over me. I can try to pretend it's not true, to deny it, but facing it seems better at the time - he has had all of me for a long time and I don't see a way for that to change. 
He is the kind of guy that happens to you without you realizing it. Before you know it, he is your everything and there's hardly anything you can do about it. And I'm the kind of girl who can love only once or twice so much, that everything afterwards seems pointless and meaningless. And when people happen to me, my world is never really the same after that. It lacks the colors he wore, the scent of his perfume, the sound of his voice. It's empty in a way or I have lost the ability to sense its beauty. 
Sad thing is, when someone happens to you, you can't really happen to him. It only goes one way at least as far as I can tell. Which is why people eventually give up their second choice with someone who is everything to them and decide to be a first choice to someone who can't possibly replace the everything that came before him. And it sucks... But I've been in this hell hole long enough to be in love with all its fires, the circles, the edges, the dark places. The only thing worse then to keep going is to quit, huh. 

16 юли, 2015


I really wish I could follow my own damn advice sometimes. I hate realizing what I should have done when it's too damn late to do it. But you can't unmeet people, you can't unknow them. There aren't even such words. 
I have the annoying feeling that something is ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Especially after she goes away for the summer it will become even more obvious. I also have to pack some stuff, to clean up and to prepare to leave as well. I guess a lot of things changes over the last couple of months. I know I have. 
When you go to hell a couple too many times you start learning how to deserve your place there. You become a sinner. I know I have. I'm not proud of it but I sure did a lot of things to earn my spot and I even enjoyed it. It's the thought that counts, right? Well, mine were never pure to begin with. I wonder if half the time I spend doubting you, I'm actually doubting myself. It's what you used to do when you told me you got rid of all your ghosts and that you're afraid I might not be rid of them yet. Well, I wasn't. But I never let that affect you in any way. You never knew about my ghost because I realized that I should not let the past destroy the future. Turns out it wasn't my past that did it. 
I used to love movies like the ones I watched today. They are quite ordinary, simple, but somehow they give hope. Then The movie is over and I realize that those kinds of things only happen in books and movies. Maybe that's why my brain decided to stop working properly. It's rebelling against reality and the idea that you have to hurt people in order for them to respect and want you and showing them that you love them only pushes them away. 
I can't help it. I always imagine the future, at least a couple of months from now. I play with possibilities, I try to predict what is going to happen and avoid what you said is going to happen to us all over again. Hell, if this is a mistake, why are you making it with me? I know I've already done that once but I don't know how to do it again. How do you put an end to something you wanted to last forever? I guess that's why I feel like something is ending. Like it's New Years' all over again and I'm waiting for answers and I don't get any. I never get clear answers. I'm so used to being pushed around that I expect and even ask for it sometimes. But I know where that led me to now. And if I don't get my answers I sure will keep running around this endless maze till hell freezes over. I can't keep doing that to myself. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be put on hold whenever something else is happening. Because you forget to unpause us. 
In reality my ghosts appeared the second yours showed up. The only reason I thought of the past was because you made me doubt our future and you've been doing so ever since. Some therapy will surely be great at this point as obviously I do have a lot of unresolved issues. I guess I shouldn't let people happen to me anymore. Not that they even need my permission. 
You know we still have the same key on our chains. We can always pay it a visit and get rid of it. I feel tempted to do so myself but like I said, I never take my own advice. Which is why I have this place, so I don't have to drown people in my madness of words and feelings. I am yet to meet the person who can handle all that and still stay long enough to love me.
My heart tells me he is home, but my mind tells me to leave town.

15 юли, 2015

heart from hell

The highlight of my existence is going through stuff and wondering what went wrong. I can't help it. I am a person in the constant need to have control and to know everything, possibly even things that will happen in the future (oh, i wish). And my utmost favorite is going back to the past and looking for pieces of myself. Because I am also the kind of person that leaves pieces here and there whenever someone passes by randomly. I always care a bit too much, I always try over and over and give chances. I wish someone would give me some too but that would change the pattern I have going here. Anyway, my inspiration and need to share thoughts is still not over.
I think out fifth in a row balcony party keeps me positive with all the music, the shared thoughts, the hysterical laughs. Why can't it all be just as easy and simple as that?
But I have a plan. (duh, yes. me and my plans) I will put every effort into getting better and fighting. I'm still not sure how that's going to work but believing it is supposed to be the first step. Reading, writing, taking pictures and listening to music sure helps a lot. And the red nail polish as well. 
I feel like me again. I can't seem to stop writing and thinking. I should start making a list of all the things I want to do when I do get better or at least learn to deal with the whole panic thing. Hopefully some day going more than a few feet away from home won't feel like I'm taking an exam in linguistics. I am really looking forward to that day when I will dye my hair red and join a rock band. Oh, I wish! Though my hair will not like that because I've been torturing it for a very long time but that's the least of my problems. 
I finally realize what happened! My insanity and I had the perfect relationship but panic saw that and decided to take away from my sweet insanity because I am that awesome (wow) and that weird. Well, that's my reality now, so I might as well enjoy it. Not that it won't last for at least a couple of years with my luck but still. I wanted craziness. I should stop making wishes so carelessly.

14 юли, 2015

won't you come my way

I'm having a deja vu. Only it's not me being somewhere like I was some (wow) three years ago right before New Years' Eve when I was making my choice all day to just be friends until tequila and Enrique got the best of me. And well, you happened to me all over again sending my choices and my good senses to hell. I guess I am too much of a sinner to escape that same hell. 
The same choice is playing games with my head right now. I'm not pulling the plug. Not yet anyway. I haven't been making mistakes in a while so why not make some now. How can I say I want to change when I can't regret any of my choices. There goes my answer. 
Apart from the so-called mistakes of my existence it really was awesome to see a friend who knew the old crazy me that still had fire and couldn't be caught dead staying home for more than eight hours, long enough to get some sleep. I'm not the one dumping friends, love. They dump me. And who can blame them really. Sometimes even I can't stand being around myself (wow) and there is no escape for me. 
One good thing is I found some inspiration to finally sit and first edit, then keep writing my damn book. It's good not to have things to worry about, I guess. Plus, we've been having our little balcony party for five nights now and it keeps being awesome to just drink some beer, look at the stars and the planes, listen to some music and talk about whatever comes to mind. The way I see it, I still am pretty lucky to have that. 

13 юли, 2015


The exams are over, summer is here and I have a lot of things to do and not much enthusiasm to do them. There used to be a reason for me to get up in the morning some time ago but now it seems to be gone. Maybe because reality is being nice to me again and I have old new lessons to learn about the things that matter to me and how i don't matter to them. Well, nothing new around here.
Maybe it's a good thing to be seeing someone who wasn't here when my world started falling apart and when I was still a dreamer with many hopes and dreams yet to be broken. Now that they are, my fire is gone and I no longer drown in my sleep. Because that me is gone already. 
I have no idea what's with those weird dreams of signs and the attempt of finding hope, but with my lack of faith in finding anything I doubt there is any point. Yeah, it's one of those weeks when I'm going to hate the world for reasons I don't feel like mentioning. Because it sucks. It's not fair. Well, it never is. And I should have known better. I'm not just here for the free time. And I have better things to do than to sit here waiting. But I do anyway, because I have a hard time letting go of things. That's why I can't find it in me to forgive and forget things that hardly mean anything at all now. That's why I'm still here. And I can keep saying it's all my fault because sanity left me behind and disappeared, or because a black hole consumed me, or because my world fell apart but somehow I thought that's exactly the time to not be blamed for not trying harder. That's the time to have someone be here and not to have to be anywhere for that. 
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Now I wonder what isn't. It's some lovely perspective I've got there. Well, I'm still doing my best. I even have proof of that. My efforts paid off. So I am doing something right. I never stopped trying, but sometimes even going to the store feels like traveling half the world. Being away means lack of safety and that is something I really need in order to function relatively normal. And I do want to go places, I want to do things but also I don't want to feel like I'm going crazy every two seconds. And that's just a regular day in my never boring life. 

10 юли, 2015

it hurts until it doesn't

My defense mechanisms seem to be working because there is a week till my hell ride begins and they are already sending me signals to run and never come back. Being away has been good for me. Time and distance really change the perspective. But I know myself all too well, so I am getting ready to be sucked right into this black hole yet again because that's just how it works.  
I was wrong, you know. I'm not the ocean. I can't drown you. But you're not at all desperate to drown. It's going to take a lot of time and effort before I can be something... Anything again. I want the world, always! But I have nothing to prove anymore. I swam, I fought. I gave chances when I didn't think I had any more to give. I had faith when things were hopeless. And hope... 
Now I have ghosts and defense mechanisms, so I guess I'm not left with nothing. But you still take me for granted and don't make plans. I will be here, so no need to find time for me. You'll just use the time when you have nothing better to do for me. And I won't be here for that. 
The exams are over and I guess I need new things to worry about. It will pass when I have some coffee and enjoy another relaxing day at home. I'm just noticing the change. I used to count the days. Now they are less than a week and I feel like I need more. 

04 юли, 2015

these are the days

Half the year is gone and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I guess that's what happens when you make epic plans and they fail. Well, my hell is nowhere near its end so I'm trying to get used to it. No one said this would be easy. Hell, it never is. 
And I still don't really want him to come back. I like the distance. That's a first, I know. I used to hate it so badly. Now I find it comforting. Because it means I don't have to deal with ghosts and stuff. I thought I had to prove something, I thought I had to fight in order to win. But there is no winning is there? The best thing I can do it sit, try my best to relax and wait for thing to screw up all by themselves. There is no fighting anymore. I don't have it in me to give epic speeches about people caring for each other, who matters and who doesn't. It's your mess, you figure it out and maybe let me know how it goes if you feel like it. 
I have a scary exam tomorrow and I must go to sleep, but I felt like writing which doesn't happen all that often, so here I am. I really wonder sometimes if I have it in me to keep trying with all those stupid things. Relationships, any kind of relationship, sucks. I must have learned by now, but apparently I haven't. I guess I really am better off all by myself until one day I will realize that I'm the disappointment. I'm so cheerful tonight, I know. Nope, just dark thoughts which I should avoid. 
I just really wish I had more time to be by myself and not to have to worry about all the ghosts and the dark places I'm going to go back to. It's been easier to breathe without being reminded of my place in this lovely situation and I honestly don't need the flashbacks. I need a long vacation with my laptop, my books and my harmless decaff. 
When this is all over, which won't be any time soon, but a girl can hope. So, when it's over I plan on being out all night with a friend talking about anything and everything and just enjoying the stars. The good thing when you go through hell a couple of times you learn that you don't really need much to be happy. 
When people are away we make them be whatever we want them to be. 

01 юли, 2015

не си там

липсите спират дъха (само)
при липса на местоимения
а притежателни има (само)
където и нас ни има
Теб ли да обвиня, че ме повреди или себе си, че ти го позволих?
She was on fire, then reality drowned her, so she drowned herself.
Ghosts exist for a reason. I should know. I'm fine with my thoughts, I don't need to drown them in alcohol. At least for now. But soon nothing will be able to stop them. The ghosts are coming back for real yet again. This should be fun, I guess. Why not mess me up just when things are starting to seem normal? It makes all the sense in the world, actually and that's exactly the way my life goes.
Sometimes I really do want to forget it all, you know. Even the good parts. Because I won't have to remember the bad ones as well. This wasn't my mess but they all made it mine and now I have to figure out what to do with it. I'm letting it be another circle of hell for me.
I'm gathering all my drafts in one again. I'm not sure if I should be happy or not, but some of the fire is gone. Maybe because the waiting is almost over and I will soon have all my answers. Or with my luck, I will keep being stranded here just like I've been for a long time now. 
I like having new people around. Or even old ones. I find it quite comforting to be able to go out and have some much needed fun no matter what. The summer belongs to my writing. Well, at least what little summer is left without having to prepare for exams. And to figuring out how to fight off the insanity and the dark thoughts because more often than not they win.