13 юли, 2015

ashes

The exams are over, summer is here and I have a lot of things to do and not much enthusiasm to do them. There used to be a reason for me to get up in the morning some time ago but now it seems to be gone. Maybe because reality is being nice to me again and I have old new lessons to learn about the things that matter to me and how i don't matter to them. Well, nothing new around here.
Maybe it's a good thing to be seeing someone who wasn't here when my world started falling apart and when I was still a dreamer with many hopes and dreams yet to be broken. Now that they are, my fire is gone and I no longer drown in my sleep. Because that me is gone already. 
I have no idea what's with those weird dreams of signs and the attempt of finding hope, but with my lack of faith in finding anything I doubt there is any point. Yeah, it's one of those weeks when I'm going to hate the world for reasons I don't feel like mentioning. Because it sucks. It's not fair. Well, it never is. And I should have known better. I'm not just here for the free time. And I have better things to do than to sit here waiting. But I do anyway, because I have a hard time letting go of things. That's why I can't find it in me to forgive and forget things that hardly mean anything at all now. That's why I'm still here. And I can keep saying it's all my fault because sanity left me behind and disappeared, or because a black hole consumed me, or because my world fell apart but somehow I thought that's exactly the time to not be blamed for not trying harder. That's the time to have someone be here and not to have to be anywhere for that. 
I used to wonder what was wrong with me. Now I wonder what isn't. It's some lovely perspective I've got there. Well, I'm still doing my best. I even have proof of that. My efforts paid off. So I am doing something right. I never stopped trying, but sometimes even going to the store feels like traveling half the world. Being away means lack of safety and that is something I really need in order to function relatively normal. And I do want to go places, I want to do things but also I don't want to feel like I'm going crazy every two seconds. And that's just a regular day in my never boring life. 

1 коментар:

Ema Aurora каза...

literally how I feel right now