23 юли, 2015

hope(less)

For a second there I forgot how tricky and evil my mind actually is. I've had the two most inspiring days in I can't remember how long and then it all came rushing back - the worry, the fear, the panic. It's going to be one hell of a recovery. I've been doing very well with the whole being an adult thing - looking for a job, going after a new hobby, placing boundaries, doing things I want. And then my mind reminded me that I'm far from free. Finally the pill kicked in, so I will be able to get some sleep I hope. And tomorrow I'll be not so brave and not try to conquer the world. I will instead be a good girl and go see my therapist because that step backwards really damaged my positive thinking. 
At least photography seems to be working for me. And the looking for jobs. Meredith was right - wonder why people don't go crazy considering what you can lose in a day. I should know. I went through a whole lifetime in two years. Anyway, tomorrow is a new day and all. I was really ready for this to be over and to be happily done with my darkest days. Let me be dark myself and say that they can't possibly be over. I'm just getting started and it's going to take a lot of time for me to deal with it all. Some days I won't even believe I can but other I will be trying to conquer the world, so I guess it's okay. Even if it's not, I can't really fix it in a blink of an eye. What sucks about it is that this is the worst part after a bad part. When do I get the good part of it all? And will I ever (sigh)...

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