30 юли, 2015

I disappear

So yeah, I really am exactly where I started. I keep going back, because well - I'm back home which is the constant reminder of all the things I never did and will never be able to do, because when other people did them I was stuck at home and now it's kind of too late. Plus, I'm terrified to go out or be alone or anything really. And another day passes, the same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow and nothing changes. And when I talk to my therapist, she gives me hope and I start believing again and then when I'm alone I realize there is no point and I can't see the point in trying. Because every time I tried, I failed miserably. And I do want to let it all go and start over but I can't find the way to do that.
I'm still trying though, because that's the only thing left to do. I know it could be worse, I know there are people who love me and believe in me but maybe the problem is I don't. I used to be in a very dark place and just know that in a month or two I'll be laughing at it. Now it's one month after the other and I'm just barely noticing how the time flies and nothing changes. I feel numb or terrified. Nothing in between. I have no idea how to get that happy, excited, overwhelming feeling back into my life. The idea of a possible future something only kept me going for two days thanks to the weird dreams. The other idea is more likely to make me want to stay in bed all day. Nothing matters, nothing happens. 
Even if I get myself a car, even if I write the best damn book in the world, even if I got the best job in the world, it won't matter. No one cares anyway. I only ever feel excited for like half an hour and then I'm bored and I want to be some place else. And when everyone else is gone, I'm left with my own thoughts and I used to be okay with them but now they seem too dark and I'm quite scared to be alone with them because ... Reasons which no one talks about because then they'd really get me into an asylum and leave me there for good. 
I'm only allowing myself to write this so it can leave me alone for a few days. As if by letting it out, I'm setting myself free. Well, we all know that won't happen, but it's the hope that counts in my case. 

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