22 юли, 2015

I know what you're after (get me out)

I survived a day being a hero. I'm planning on doing a lot more heroic ordinary things in the next few days. I choose to be brave and I will keep choosing it in the future. I'm supposed to make a list with all the things I want to do and do them. I am accountable now for all my actions. And there is no wrong way as long as it takes me out of the black hole I got myself into. Let's say it was all part of the big plan to gain more experience on the darker parts of my own mind and soul in order to write better darker characters with lots of issues and complicated relationships. 
In reality it turns out, as far as my psycologist says, I am only being too careful to not overstep any boundary, to not cross any line, to not do the wrong thing. But it's all my choices which I made when I wanted things, so they can't really be that wrong. Plus I get to be the one living with the consequences, so people should really mind their own busines and not share their opinion about mine. 
That said, I am starting to try things I always wanted to do but somehow felt I couldn't. There is nothing stopping me, so I will climb or take down any wall because (dammit!) it's my damn life and I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to. Please, remind me of those words whenever I don't want to leave my bed and hate the world. Of course, there are going to be days like that but well, I should get used to that. 
Also, I seemed to be well aware of my problems, but someone else saying it from an objective point of view is so much better and clearer to understand. Finally someone gets it and I don't have to give excuses or explain myself. I am who I am and that's completely fine. I will work on myself and focus on what I want and need and will see where all that takes me. Hopefully it won't be worse than where I've already been. And sadly, we can't seem eye to eye on this so I really will be doing this on my own. Hopefully I will get what I wanted all along - my freedom.

Няма коментари: