25 юли, 2015

I matter

I guess I proved to myself that I can get a job even with my insanity. And not one, but two. (Yey me!) I better start writing down all my successes and think of them instead of all the things I could have done or should have done. I've found some really nice inspirational movies and books to keep me company when the darkness threatens to take me back. It will sometimes but I need to learn that it's okay, no matter how hard that might seem sometimes. 
It's funny how I got used to not being able to do things and now everything seems so out of reach for one reason or another. When it's really just scary to want things. But it will go away when you start fighting for the things you want. I think it was a mistake to let it all happen to me as if I have no say in this.
Also, thank you dear brain for the dream. I really did not need to see that, even if my imagination takes me there sometimes. Thanks! Now I have some more issues to deal with and weirdness to fight when I'm around people. As if I don't have enough! 
It's simply okay to be scared, to not want to do things and go places. It feels so weird to think that way. I'm a person who always has to do things and be places. If that's really the key to my insanity I'll gladly stop doing as anyone says and just enjoy my own stuff. Not that I don't but I don't see them as mine, I see them as filling time until I have to do something else. 
My point is, being a hero is not always easy. Basically it just means being scared as hell but still trying to move forward and not go hiding. Proudly, I mostly fight and don't run. Or if I will run, I just don't go out and stay safe in the comfort of my own room. It's managable, compared to other people's issues and problems. It's only scary in certain situations, so I guess I'll try to figure them out and learn that there's nothing scary about them. Good luck there!
Just so you know, I do miss you. 

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