21 юли, 2015

if at all

Back home and the melancholy and the need to run away are here. It's funny - I had the same feeling when I was in Sofia for some well-known reason but then that feeling disappeared. How many times can that happen? How long can it possibly take to quit, give up, not be able to see anything anymore? Because I say I'm the ashes of a dreamer but yet I can't seem to give up my dream of an idea. Why can't I always have the things I want most? Why do I have to quit and agree to settle for something less than what I wanted? Thank you, Karma, but can you please stop screwing with me?!
I've been ignoring memories all day, refusing to think of it all as if it's over even if it pretty much is. Yes, it's perfect now, but you don't feel it or it feels wrong. There is no going back to the way we loved each other. But I'm the patron saint if lost causes, so I keep trying to fight for us. I can even believe in us for you until you believe it yourself again. If you do so at all...
Functioning is a bit hard these days, being away is even harder but it is what it is. I need some time to myself in order to kick that damn panic out of my life (if it's even possible) and then to go fix whatever relationships I got left, if any.

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