10 юли, 2015

it hurts until it doesn't

My defense mechanisms seem to be working because there is a week till my hell ride begins and they are already sending me signals to run and never come back. Being away has been good for me. Time and distance really change the perspective. But I know myself all too well, so I am getting ready to be sucked right into this black hole yet again because that's just how it works.  
I was wrong, you know. I'm not the ocean. I can't drown you. But you're not at all desperate to drown. It's going to take a lot of time and effort before I can be something... Anything again. I want the world, always! But I have nothing to prove anymore. I swam, I fought. I gave chances when I didn't think I had any more to give. I had faith when things were hopeless. And hope... 
Now I have ghosts and defense mechanisms, so I guess I'm not left with nothing. But you still take me for granted and don't make plans. I will be here, so no need to find time for me. You'll just use the time when you have nothing better to do for me. And I won't be here for that. 
The exams are over and I guess I need new things to worry about. It will pass when I have some coffee and enjoy another relaxing day at home. I'm just noticing the change. I used to count the days. Now they are less than a week and I feel like I need more. 

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