17 юли, 2015

louder

Today turns out to be one of those days where I am all over the place not able to breathe and function properly. The closer it gets to midnight, the more freaked out I am. Because I know what is going to happen and all the strength in the world can't possibly prepare me for it. Nothing can. I am the one that has to do the right thing for once but my body refuses to trust me about it. 
Somehow I always survive those days. And then I wonder how on earth I could come up with such plans and theories and why do people let me. Whenever something major is going to happen I freak out and start trying to find a way to ruin it. It's a self-destruction thing. I always do it. And no one is trying to stop me, sane as I am. I wish I could go back in time sometimes and slap myself for all the ridiculous thoughts but then I kind of see the point. I know why all the alarms started screaming in my head. They always do. He is the reason. Because everything in me knows the kind of power he has over me. I can try to pretend it's not true, to deny it, but facing it seems better at the time - he has had all of me for a long time and I don't see a way for that to change. 
He is the kind of guy that happens to you without you realizing it. Before you know it, he is your everything and there's hardly anything you can do about it. And I'm the kind of girl who can love only once or twice so much, that everything afterwards seems pointless and meaningless. And when people happen to me, my world is never really the same after that. It lacks the colors he wore, the scent of his perfume, the sound of his voice. It's empty in a way or I have lost the ability to sense its beauty. 
Sad thing is, when someone happens to you, you can't really happen to him. It only goes one way at least as far as I can tell. Which is why people eventually give up their second choice with someone who is everything to them and decide to be a first choice to someone who can't possibly replace the everything that came before him. And it sucks... But I've been in this hell hole long enough to be in love with all its fires, the circles, the edges, the dark places. The only thing worse then to keep going is to quit, huh. 

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