16 юли, 2015

north

I really wish I could follow my own damn advice sometimes. I hate realizing what I should have done when it's too damn late to do it. But you can't unmeet people, you can't unknow them. There aren't even such words. 
I have the annoying feeling that something is ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Especially after she goes away for the summer it will become even more obvious. I also have to pack some stuff, to clean up and to prepare to leave as well. I guess a lot of things changes over the last couple of months. I know I have. 
When you go to hell a couple too many times you start learning how to deserve your place there. You become a sinner. I know I have. I'm not proud of it but I sure did a lot of things to earn my spot and I even enjoyed it. It's the thought that counts, right? Well, mine were never pure to begin with. I wonder if half the time I spend doubting you, I'm actually doubting myself. It's what you used to do when you told me you got rid of all your ghosts and that you're afraid I might not be rid of them yet. Well, I wasn't. But I never let that affect you in any way. You never knew about my ghost because I realized that I should not let the past destroy the future. Turns out it wasn't my past that did it. 
I used to love movies like the ones I watched today. They are quite ordinary, simple, but somehow they give hope. Then The movie is over and I realize that those kinds of things only happen in books and movies. Maybe that's why my brain decided to stop working properly. It's rebelling against reality and the idea that you have to hurt people in order for them to respect and want you and showing them that you love them only pushes them away. 
I can't help it. I always imagine the future, at least a couple of months from now. I play with possibilities, I try to predict what is going to happen and avoid what you said is going to happen to us all over again. Hell, if this is a mistake, why are you making it with me? I know I've already done that once but I don't know how to do it again. How do you put an end to something you wanted to last forever? I guess that's why I feel like something is ending. Like it's New Years' all over again and I'm waiting for answers and I don't get any. I never get clear answers. I'm so used to being pushed around that I expect and even ask for it sometimes. But I know where that led me to now. And if I don't get my answers I sure will keep running around this endless maze till hell freezes over. I can't keep doing that to myself. I don't want to go backwards. I don't want to be put on hold whenever something else is happening. Because you forget to unpause us. 
In reality my ghosts appeared the second yours showed up. The only reason I thought of the past was because you made me doubt our future and you've been doing so ever since. Some therapy will surely be great at this point as obviously I do have a lot of unresolved issues. I guess I shouldn't let people happen to me anymore. Not that they even need my permission. 
You know we still have the same key on our chains. We can always pay it a visit and get rid of it. I feel tempted to do so myself but like I said, I never take my own advice. Which is why I have this place, so I don't have to drown people in my madness of words and feelings. I am yet to meet the person who can handle all that and still stay long enough to love me.
My heart tells me he is home, but my mind tells me to leave town.

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