28 юли, 2015

recovery

I'm not the ashes of a dreamer, just a dreamer in recovery. Dreamers can be scared too. That doesn't mean they are not hopeful. It's just that I'm having a hard time believing
"But I guess I gotta be a grown-up. Gotta be okay with not being okay." That's exactly what my mind had problems with. Accepting the fact that it's not okay when it should have been and could have been. Because I deserved it and it wasn't fair. Well, Karma couldn't care less. When you pick the wrong people you deserve anything that comes with them. And I pick them anyway, because I'm not a right person as well and I am still hoping someone will pick me anyway, even if I'm trouble. It's not you I'm trying to save, you see. It's me.
There is no drowning anymore. And I finally got a brilliant idea for the writing. Don't try to escape your insanity. Let it drown you, burn you, inspire you. It's funny how I'm sitting here hoping you fall for me and you're probably (if you're even thinking about me at all) hoping I fall for someone else. And I am actually trying to do so. My mind is, to be more accurate.
Then there comes a movie that turns my world upside-down. To write love on her arms. Why didn't I watch it earlier?! It's brilliant! I feel like reading Cat Clarke's 'Entangled' again. It's funny. One second I'm on top of the world, able to do whatever the hell I want and the next I'm completely terrified to be left alone. Just a regular day in the panic society. (inside joke, wow)
Best site ever for help 7 cups of tea is awesome. Anyway, I am being an idiot - sitting here and hoping he texts me. Or the other he. Too many people to wait for, I guess. Still, I got a new hair colour finally and I'm slowly putting myself back together. And I want you both in my life, you idiots. Now how I want that is a different story. Have I mentioned that there's been no drowning in my sleep? Well, yes. How can there be after I drowned like five or six times. Instead I dream of the boy that was there in one other dream when I was talking to him and then the water was too much. But I remember feeling so close to him right before the scary part. Maybe that's why I find him so close in reality as well. Or it works the other way around. Anyway, I'm slowly rebuilding my life and finding myself, my fire or whatever it is that I've been missing. And it's scary most of the time but I'm being a hero. Because when I needed one no one was around and I had to find my own way out. Then I got into the hole again but I managed to get out again. That movie really got me thinking about that time. Hopefully there won't be another trip down that hell hole. Hopefully I don't need anyone to save me and I can for once save myself for good. 

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