04 юли, 2015

these are the days

Half the year is gone and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I guess that's what happens when you make epic plans and they fail. Well, my hell is nowhere near its end so I'm trying to get used to it. No one said this would be easy. Hell, it never is. 
And I still don't really want him to come back. I like the distance. That's a first, I know. I used to hate it so badly. Now I find it comforting. Because it means I don't have to deal with ghosts and stuff. I thought I had to prove something, I thought I had to fight in order to win. But there is no winning is there? The best thing I can do it sit, try my best to relax and wait for thing to screw up all by themselves. There is no fighting anymore. I don't have it in me to give epic speeches about people caring for each other, who matters and who doesn't. It's your mess, you figure it out and maybe let me know how it goes if you feel like it. 
I have a scary exam tomorrow and I must go to sleep, but I felt like writing which doesn't happen all that often, so here I am. I really wonder sometimes if I have it in me to keep trying with all those stupid things. Relationships, any kind of relationship, sucks. I must have learned by now, but apparently I haven't. I guess I really am better off all by myself until one day I will realize that I'm the disappointment. I'm so cheerful tonight, I know. Nope, just dark thoughts which I should avoid. 
I just really wish I had more time to be by myself and not to have to worry about all the ghosts and the dark places I'm going to go back to. It's been easier to breathe without being reminded of my place in this lovely situation and I honestly don't need the flashbacks. I need a long vacation with my laptop, my books and my harmless decaff. 
When this is all over, which won't be any time soon, but a girl can hope. So, when it's over I plan on being out all night with a friend talking about anything and everything and just enjoying the stars. The good thing when you go through hell a couple of times you learn that you don't really need much to be happy. 
When people are away we make them be whatever we want them to be. 

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