01 август, 2015

do it and do it again

I thought you'd call. You didn't. At least finally I made some plans. I'm slowly figuring it out and deciding what to do. I just don't want anything to make me question my decision the second I go back in Sofia. If it's over - it's over. If it's not... Well I sure made it seem like a damn fairytale because of how it felt at the beginning. Reading back my old posts proves me wrong and tells me I've been giving last chances for a long time and wondering how much more I can take. Apparently, a lot!
I should make a list of all the things I fear and burn it. Also, I should make a list of all the things I want and remember to check it every now and then because I forget and settle for what I'm given instead of making sure it's what I really want. 
 Anyway, I've had a trip down memory lane and we were such crazy kids. I miss those days when the biggest worry I had was whether to text a guy or to wait for him to text me first. And when we would go to trips and try to get drunk enough to actually tell the boys we liked that we liked them. And the endless pictures we took, the fun we had... I miss that!
On the other hand, give me a camera and watch me lose my mind. These days random things inspire me. I'm still rewriting Dark Angel, but I'm halfway through with the script which I will then use for the actual writing process. Hopefully the first person point of view and the added darkness will be an inspiration enough.
I think the point is to write love on your arms yourself. To believe that you deserve better and that you're actually capable of so much more, no matter what people say. I think when it's hard you actually become stronger. And in fact, most of the time you're pretending until the lie comes true and you start believing it. I'm in the process of finding that one thing that will keep me above the water when the waves come and threaten to drown me yet again. Like Payson (Make it or break it) would say, I'd try any damn thing until something works and I will be the best in it! Her speech was actually way more passionate and convincing but it's the thought that counts and my thoughts need some fixing but that will happen as well eventually. Hopefully!

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