24 август, 2015

eyes on fire

Turns out sleep deprivation really raises the stress levels back to my usual dose. Two nights in a row of that is going to be a blast. I have an exam tomorrow so I should be sleeping but my roommate is not here, I didn't ask my mom to come so I got only myself as company and that most of the time is enough. But I keep doubting my own strength as usual. I guess that was the scary part my therapist warned me about. After the exam is over I will be much more comfortable until the next one. 
In fact, I've been feeling the need to do some reordering of my stuff in our box of a room to make the change more obvious. I feel different. The insanity is trying to keep me down but I was invincible only a day ago and I still remember how good that felt. 
Instead I would very much like to write about the way his perfume could be all over my hair and his hands all over my skin. His lips on mine. I feel strangely manipulated into having all those ideas in my head being placed there for the sole purpose to torture me. I'll like it a bit too much which is not what I should be doing at all. I'm supposed to be getting better, bot going back to relationships and attachments. 
Oh, and being back feels good because I left things back home that I don't need anymore. I also gathered the reminders of us and I plan on putting them in a box and returning the rest back to you. I don't need anything more to remind me of the last year when everything you did was probably a lie or a way to make yourself feel better. Whichever it was, I don't need such bad energy around me. 
I need to make room for new memories, new people and new lovers. I should have done that a long time ago but better late than never, right? I needed us to fail once again because of you in order to realize I was never the problem. 
I plan on finding myself some new music to listen to, read a book or two, finish the draft of Dark Angel yet again and actually start writing. And maybe find time to study for my other exams. I also have plans to see a lot of people. I just need two days to get comfortable with my own company. Wish me luck, because being your own hero sure can be hard most of the time.

Няма коментари: