10 август, 2015

i see you

So it was a scary week and an interesting one. I guess I've had enough memories for the summer in this one week. I made so many photos to remember it by. I also made good memories worth remembering and some not so good ones where I kept thinking I will go crazy but that's completely normal by now. I stayed, I survived and nothing bad happened which was a really useful experience. 
I'm still fighting the same battles and I'm in no position to win either of them without losing a lot in the process but if I don't I will lose what little sanity I got left, so it's not a choice really. I need to be my own person and not hide myself in frames, boxes and to have to pretend I'm someone else. Not for you, anyway. You're the one person who's supposed to love me no matter what. That's why you don't know any of my bad habits, my dark thoughts and my black hole of a soul. It's all I got and you telling me how wrong that is won't make it any easier. 
When you do your best to overcome your fears fate gives you another dreamer to hold your hand and cheer you up. Also, it's an awesome feeling getting in touch with old friends. I've missed that so much. Hopefully no insanity will be able to stop me from seeing all of them and making some more good memories because I've had enough bad ones over the last year. And him turning into who he was last year isn't helping. I really thought I meant more than just that. I thought you knew how much you mean to me but I guess you never cared enough to notice. Yet your ghost keeps coming back to me, as if you're not enough and the nightmares are just priceless. I couldn't come up with them on my own even if I wanted to. I don't know how twisted my mind must be. 
And the things I want to be dreaming of are always in my mind, sometimes louder and sometimes just a whisper. And it goes with a song and a quiet warning of all the things that can possibly go wrong and yet the temptation to be wild an free again somehow takes over for just a second long enough to take my breath. Yeah, that sick and that twisted. 
He said it. I got my fire back. I have no idea what made it burn again but it sure feels good. I wonder if I'll be able to actually do the plans I made. And if I'll have the sanity to do them. Hopefully the worst is almost over and the good times are coming my way finally. You know, I don't want to want this but somehow I will regret it if it doesn't happen. But I can't get the alarms to stop. Whatever happens, I guess!
Thanks for showing up when I needed it, stranger. And I really have some awesome friends to fill my boat with!

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