14 август, 2015

never get to heaven


Surprisingly I'm not numb and I'm not hurt. I'm not disappointed. I used to be. But now I'm the ocean and I can't drown anymore. I can drown everything else around me. Or burn it. Whichever I feel like. I feel more myself than ever for the first time in a long time. Not the dark me, not the desperate numb me that I'm quite frankly afraid of, but the me that dares to make plans, dreams of adventures and nothing can stand in her way. That me I love so much!
They are all responsible for bringing me back to my old self - my friends. Some may not know it, but they matter so much and I love them all! Especially my sister, because she's amazing and I know she will read this and smile! 
This doesn't mean there won't be days that I will find it hard to breathe again. Or that I won't be in my bed all day wondering if there's even a point to get up at all. It means that afterwards I will be strong again. This circle of hell that you're trying to create (hopefully unconsciously) is not for me. It's for you and you will drown in it. You may not know how wrong all this is, but someday hopefully you will realize it. Or not. What do I care? You're finally not my problem anymore and it's not my job to take care of you and the mess you're creating. 
Some things should be left to the course of nature or something. So maybe I should stop thinking about it and just enjoy whatever happens. 

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