26 август, 2015

scream it loud

I'm gathering your things for the second time. That's what I was doing last year at the same time, I think - getting rid of anything that might remind me of you. It was a long process then. Now most things I'm giving back to you because I don't need the reminder and the rest are going in the box I have for you. That's what happens to the people that leave, they become a ghost living inside a box so I can also lock them up in one of the darkest places of my soul (or what is left of it). You're not a box I want to open or even remember. I know things I shouldn't have and I wish I'd run away right after we got back after that summer or maybe after new year's eve. But I guess back then I would never be able to even imagine how wrong you will turn out to be. I was your in-between girl and you were my forever boy. Well forever ain't as long, you know.
Good thing is I'm over with the whole packing thing and I plan on seeing you only if you insist and when there are other people around so you don't have a chance to say something and mess me up. I'm better without you. 
He keeps sending me his music and he has no idea it's my thing to connect people with the music they listen to and then listen to it and try and figure them out. Of course, he is a mystery yet to be uncovered. I'm starting to see it and to like it a little bit too much. I'll try and be careful this time. Because I lit a cigarette in order to avoid some other dark places tonight. And I don't smoke anymore, so that is saying something. 
I still have my wardrobe to take care of and to do some working tomorrow but I also have plans with friends, so it should be a fun day. I feel more myself then I did a month ago. Just give me some more time and I will be exactly who I was supposed to be a while back. And then when I'm done with the tape and the glue you're going to wish you never walked out of my life because I lost an idiot who maybe never even loved me and you lost someone who would have turned the world upside down for you. 
I want to surround myself with people who are worth the effort and won't bail when the next thing comes along. It's not the same as last year, you know. I'm different. I'm better and I know I can survive without him in my life. I've been doing so for a lot longer than I thought. He was a ghost too. Someone who lived with me and made memories with me but was never completely honest and mine. He wanted to be some place else, with someone else. I thought that was my fault but if you don't love someone, you don't stay with them just so you're not alone. You find it in yourself to let them be free and find that other someone who is going to love them the way they deserve and the way you never could or did. Everything else is... Well the reason why I drowned. 

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