03 август, 2015

until then

All the boys in my life won't love me but would certainly do other things with me if they ever had the chance. Why is it that they get to only want the benefits and then they call us names and gives us labels? Or maybe it's just me. Anyway, it's the last thing I need right now. I've been doing relatively okay, all things considered. But the idiot figured it was a good day to show up and text me and then be all: "I don't love you, but I want you." Isn't it mean and evil to be talking like that to someone who you used to love and who still in some weird masochistic way loves you? Or am I supposed to just, you know, go with the flow and pretend it's all completely okay? 
Yeah, I know how much she means to you. I know how every damn feeling you have is about her and not me but you should at least have the decency to keep your dirty thoughts to yourself and spare me the endless heartache. And I should be telling you this, but I never do and maybe that's my problem. But why bother? You get it, but you pretend you don't so maybe I can get fooled yet again into believing that maybe this could work and you can magically love me just because I do. Even if that's the case, it won't happen through a friends-with-benefits cycle. 
He was right! I am stupid. I do the same thing over and over hoping it will change something. I won't let myself do that anymore. "I am mine before I am anyone else's!" I won't belong, I won't have a home in the metaphorical sense of the word. But I also won't be a shadow in someone else's life, I will be a fire in my own. I won't be just the ashes of a dreamer anymore, I won't even be a dreamer. I will be the creator of my own happiness! I can't believe it took me this long to say that and mean it. 
And, you know, I am the one! I am the one that did all that for us! I am the one that swam, that fought. Maybe I lost, but I know you lost more even if you don't realize or see it that way. And I am the one my mom gave everything for, and not just for one parent but for two, so don't you dare ever make me feel like I'm some second place option. I'm not a stop on the way, I'm not some warm blanket you get to use when you feel cold. I am the endless nights when I waited, the words I wrote, the tears I've cried, the moments we shared. I lived through them all, even when you weren't there. I get to walk away with my head up, even if my heart is a bit (a lot) bruised. I lived and loved and I will do it again. And it might not be the same but it will be better because to someone out there my words will mean anything, my smile as I look at the fireworks will be the sun in his life. And somehow I pitty you now for you missed all of that. You missed how awesome I am because you were looking back. I can only hope I won't do the same when the right one shows up. (If he even shows up.)

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