12 август, 2015


Another dream and a couple more ideas that make me unable to sit still. The more I don't want to think about it and act on it, the worse the temptation gets. I have that smile again. And the tingling feeling of excitement and a bit of danger coming my way. It's exactly what I needed in so many ways and it's something I've been tempted by for a long time now. The one good thing about going to hell a little too many times is knowing you can survive, even if everything is turned against you. And that lesson took me too much time to learn. 
Just when I think I got you all figured out you prove me wrong. I've always loved people who are a mystery and carry some danger around them. The alarms in my head keep warning me and I'm ingoring them. I want this. I'm not sure why, or how it's going to turn out but the more I think about it, the more I realise no thinking is going to make me want it less. It's the opposite - I want it more.
So what if the way could have been special if things were different. They are not and I don't want them to be. I don't want to feel like a second choice all my life. Starting over is a good thing because all you have is opportunities and chances. And I'm not giving up on myself this time. I'm taking care of my own wishes and doing what feels right without too much thinking. 
I want the world - the real one this time. And it's your choice whether to be a part of it or not. I got some of my fire back, so I got nothing to worry about except maybe the exams and the panic, because it will show up again even if it's temporarily absent. 
I should really start going to bed earlier but talking to him makes me want to stay up all night. I'd wish myself some sweet dreams but I already had them today and I'm not that lucky. Or maybe I am now that I matter and I have a say in what happens to me. 

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