27 септември, 2015

(n)ever after

It's one of those days, you know. When you're desperately trying to drown in your cup of coffee and the smoke of your cigarette. And I quit smoking a while back. Well, I guess I needed some of my old habits back. The sky is too dark, it's too cold and I know that's not the problem but it ain't helping either. Being back here and seeing how much had changed yet again makes me want to stay in bed all day pretending it's all as it was before or to at least drown in some more coffee. But then I remember it all and I don't want to be the hoping naive girl, who thought she meant way more than she actually did. Not that I like who I am now but it beats being that stupid any day. 
That room had seen most of my unforgettable moments. It knows too much. I was on the other side before. I'm on another side now. And it's not like I'm being replaced really because it was never my place to begin with. I know thinking about the past is no good but today I can't help it. I don't even want him back. I want the fake something I thought we had. But it was fake, so...
Still, I'm proud. I was a hero last night for not saying anything, for resisting the idea to do something stupid. I'm getting better at not fighting for people. I want to, I always do. But I do nothing about it. It's not faith if you're always fighting. And I do have more to give and to do but I simply don't feel like being left outside in the storm anymore. My life is too much of a storm as it is anyway.
Well, that storm is all I got left, so I might as well enjoy it, you know. Even if it feels like someone else lived through all my memories... At least I lived. And I gave it all I've got. You just change the story and make the one who wasn't enough while you never even gave us a change. You just kept looking back instead of letting me know I played my part as a rebound and letting me go a long time ago. That's what I have a problem with. 

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