14 септември, 2015

you'll see me tomorrow

I hit rock bottom last night. So today I'm breathing a little bit easily. And I'm starting to build my life yet again. Even if I can't find a reason to get up in the morning on some days, I can't stop fighting, right? Well, I'm still here. I have some vague plans of what I should do. Inspiration is slowly pouring into my system. So anxiety can have something to kill next time it desides to drown me. It's the first night in maybe a week when I can breathe and it's okay. I feel like we ended things all over again. It's the same. Like my hands should hurt where I touch your things. Not that I do. But they should. It's the same black hole and the same bad habit. 
The one who was with me when I drowned in my dream has been ignoring me, because I blew it. Now I will try and fix that because it's worth it. But I won't be pushing it anymore. Whatever happens. I guess I realized all my defences are a bit fake. The emotional roller-coaster from last week has managed to break all my walls. But it won't take me a rebound and four months of coffee, cigarettes and alcohol to get back on my feet. Just to get back to Sofia and to start hanging out with friends and to let it all happen. 
I feel empty when it comes to you. It's all something that could have happened in another life. But it was never my story even if I wanted it to be. So I had trouble with accepting reality as it is. Now it's okay. I even wish you all the best. I know all too well the hell you're living in because of her, so I do wish you find your way. And I will find mine. I don't mind being friends all that much. I mind only when it comes to how other people treat me. Well, a certain someone, actually. 
It will get better, I hope. Or I will. I was hoping all the scary stuff are behind me but reality proved me wrong. Yet I'm still here. I feel like I'll go crazy every time and I'm still here. That must count for something. 

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