18 октомври, 2015

finally free

I'm not drowning anymore. I'm not going anywhere, but at least the nightmares of ghosts stopped and I'm relatively functioning properly for the time being. I've had a few inspirations through the week. I realized yet again that if I don't save myself no one will do it for me. And life won't wait for me to be ready for yet another fight. I have to be ready at all times. Yes, I will drown again sometimes but what I keep realizing afterwards is that I always make it. I always get to the point where I look back and I know that I've survived worse. I keep surviving on a daily basis and I am my own worst enemy. Everything else is just the cherry on top. 
And you're not making things any easier, you know. You're always trying to make me look like the one who has no idea what I'm doing but I do. I've been doing it ever since I was old enough to know better. And I made mistakes but I live with them.
I don't think I lost him anymore. I don't even think I loved him all the time. I wanted to be right and to prove everyone wrong. I wanted... Well I thought we would be good together. Now I know better and I really don't want that for me. It did feel right at some point. But then it didn't and instead it turned into my own personal circle of hell. Few of them actually. 
Gladly that part of my life is over and I used to think I'll never be as happy or as in love but I'm starting to think that's not true. I'm still my awesome loving self. A few more scars won't change that. They will just make it a bit harder for someone new to come into my life. But the right people will find their way no matter what and it won't be so hard to find a place for them and make them fit in. 
For the first time in a long time I've been obsessed with both a book and a story inside my own mind. I guess one inspired the other and freed my imagination. If only I had the time to work on it. Maybe next week I will. My sanity may be long gone but I'm slowly finding myself where I left the pieces and it only takes time o figure out which goes where and which I no longer need. And it's not as hard to breathe anymore. At least not as it used to be a year back. 
Now the best I can hope for is to make it through my forth year somehow and to find another dreamer to watch the night sky with while talking about inspiring things like art, books and music.It will be enough.

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